Lifes Spacings

UH OH BAR HUMBUG

2012-02-04T10:01:00.000+11:00

On tuesday I cooked for food bank unbeknowns to them it was my last day. I cooked an amazing meal of roast pork, corned beef and chicken, potatoes in duck fat and carrot sauteed in honey, corm and bean bakes with a drizzle of pork fat over them gravy on the menu also. It was my last hurrah id given three months of cooking for food bank which was attached by the church i used to attend. I got no reimbursement by my own request i paid for all meals myself, this was my gift to the church to the people who came through. This was my donation.,

So yesterday whilst i was delivering a meal to someone who worked at a opp shop after feeding all people at church (over 25). On my return my daughter was clutching her arm and my kids screaming they had a seen a snake, a snake was actually a copperhead one of the most poisonous in Australia, no kids bitten but my daughters arm was not looking great. She had sat on seat that should have been screwed down and it wasnt and she went over crunching her wrist on the impact. I rushed her to the docs an xray was taken the result inconclusive. I fill out an incident report at church and go home daughters arm strapped.

today a day later i get a call from the docs please get your daughter here fast, result missy moos arm broke completely and utterly broke. I contact pastor he is very formal no how is she no nothing. Three times today the pastor was giving me formal details on where to send bill etc etc but never once asked how she was. What sort o pastor doesnt even care if his 11 year old parishioner is ok a pastor who is wrong wrong wrong.

grrrrrr

Ive fucking had it

2012-02-04T09:54:00.000+11:00

THATS PRETTY MUCH ALL WE HAVE FUCKING HAD IT

Rituals and posession

2012-02-04T09:53:00.001+11:00

You know its funny we have spent quite a lot of time steering somewhat clear of the Ritual Abuse issue. Perhaps we have felt avoidance means that it might go away, perhaps after mons barbaric treatment of fact finding we have been careful to avoid many things. but after now six months with Rachel (wow it has really been that long) we have been facing the hardest challenges of all, facing the rituals that split us in the first place.

Three weeks ago we started with Christine talking about being buried, from there was an escalation of alters who symbolically all names have started with Christ to todays crescendo. A week ago we asked our trusted friend Noel to join us for this session. There were a few reasons for this, Noel is and has been a wonderful supporter and has been present for many therapy session previously with Jane, but he is also a pastor and we felt that both his journey with us and his understanding of the bible might be useful for this session.

Today's session very much showed the barbaric nature of Satanists in their top form. Its stooped below humanity and showed that human hatred stems beyond even our own realms. Today was one of those moments but it was something so much more it showed the splitting of one alter to another whose innocence was completely gone.

This is how it goes One alter was forced to do something that she didnt want to, to do. Her mind was saying no her lips were saying no but as in any ritual choice isnt an option. At that precise moment when she did as they asked the instant split took place, she even said she felt something overcome her and felt bad inside. Her feet left the ground and the group was cheering, her innocent voice and her fear even in todays session was apparent. She didnt understand what was happening to her, the black figure who had held her hand seconds before and was a real person had said he wouldnt protect her if she didnt do this gruesome deed, she did and now she was floating in the air. She is still talking to Rachel her scared innocent fearful voice and in that one instant BANG

The split had taken place, a dominant carefully cold and composed six year old emerged, innocence lost completely shattered, her cold voice describes the cleanup in accurate and non committal detail, the whole crux of the ritual had been successful the alter they needed had been created. Perfection. She is true to the darkness but understands that there is light, she is not a perfected model, she is the cults experiment, later on we know that sam became their perfected model. But for that one moment for us today we truly understood the moment where innocence was lost.

For years and years that same scenario would take place over and over again , but its raw jagged edges today as we ponder the enormity of such a painful memory coupled with the enormity of how brokenness is its completeness is so sickening we ponder also on Rachel's words after hearing this ritual today THERE ARE NO ENEMIES INTHIS ROOM YOU ARE ALL VICTIMS. And after all those years of hearing how evil we are when we started talking about these horrific rituals I know that unbeknown to her the system knew then that we were indeed on a journey to complete healing.

Lightening and Johnny

We dont want her to go to ground either.

2012-02-04T09:53:00.000+11:00

Next monday its our birthday and co inciding with that is a test and prac test but also close by sits Easter. Now easter like every year for the last many many years of our life sits and alter whose pain lies in the terrible torment of Easter gone by.

Every year she starts saying at this time of year i dont want to go to ground. Each year we know what this means its means she doesnt want to be buried in the ground. Each year she pleads for it to get better, so that she cant hear the thump on the box as dirt is thrown on top of her box, the smell the heat the terror and finally the last breath as she fails to take it. Each year we hope this year will be better this year will be a year she wont remember, each year we hear the same thing I dont want to go to ground.

For this six year old she knows she isnt really going to ground but in her memories her flashbacks her pain she is going there. As she lay on the floor at therapy today with Rachel she felt herself going back there, she did all that mr wonka had shown her but alas the pain of the memory unhealed is far too great for her to handle. She relives this terrible place each year. And as we sat humbled on the floor talking to rachel we knew something.

Unless we start getting healing for these littles and stop playing everything is ok then each year this six year old will go to ground in her nightmares. So fearful have we been to make sure therapy and even the therapist isnt mon we are stunting our own therapy growth for fear it might end up like mon. Today as i told rachel what she was doing was helping i also knew something else we have to allow rachel to do her job and help us, thats what she does for a living she helps people so i know what to do and i know that in order for Rachel and mr wonka to really help us we have to let go and let them do their work. I need this six year old to know that going to ground isnt an option now in the future, and i know that both mr wonka and Rachel can help her in that, its time for us to let them.

Flame

The result of the phone call to may father over my sisters request swearing involved

2012-02-04T09:52:00.000+11:00

So i get a phone call last night from our father who says hes lost our sisters phone number and could he have it only to find he found it before i could hand it over. I rolled my eyes and went oh yeh. Then i get a text from my sister saying hed contacted her and had decided that at this point he could not help her. I ring her and said so tell me what he said and she said that he was sorry for her plight but he was in position to help her. Then she burst into tears and couldnt stop, so rather than deal with a hysterical sister i told her to hang five and id call her back. So i called him and asked what his decision was.

He said that he had just come back from overseas (again for the ninth time this past two years) and he didnt have any money and he was simply a poor pensioner who at this present time couldnt help her. He also said that he felt he didnt want to do anything because she hasnt spoken to him until recently. That he was only just reforming a relationship between her and him and wasnt comfortable lending that sort of money.

I coldly told him that i was very aware of the relationships he had had with my sister which had effectively forced her to remove himself from his care which he baulked at and i hung up.

I got off the phone and immediately rang marg and the conversation went a bit like this. POOR FUCKING PENSIONER SHIT ARSE MOTHER FUCKER SHIT HOLE BASTARD, POOR MY ARSE, PEDOPHILIC NUTCASE WHO SOLD HIS DAUGHTERS TO PAY FOR HIS JUNKETS AND HE CANT EVEN BUY MY SISTER BREASTS, FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK HIM, and so it went on . Marg then calmed us down and i told her i had to get back to my sister who was waiting for a phone call.

I then called her and told her sue the bastard thsi time i will stand by you, take the paedophilia arsehole bastard to court and get your money that way. But i know that she is far too weak physically for that to happen. But i want revenge i want him to have his breasts removed and have no one to help pay for them i want him to PAY. But i realised i wanted him to pay for the years of subjected abuse either by him or by allowing mum to torture us, he is lowlife its as simple as that.

The end of the story is that marg who has nothing very much to do with my sister has said her and her husband will help pay for what she needs. My sister rang me back thanking me marg calmed us down and i realised how very badly raw we are feeling, for us we know we have reached the stage where we have to work through this issue with our father. You know its funny even though we have known all he has done he has always played the fool in other words hes played the part of being a victim very well when of course he was the perpetrator. With mums rages he would scurry to a corner and let her nearly at times bash us to death, any sign of trouble he would scurry so its been hard to see him as a vile dictator bastard when hes played this meek mild role for so long. But yesterday something deep within snapped in me this guy again was trying to lay the poor pensioner thing is sitting in a million dollar home going on overseas trips and has money that he can get a hold of, all this for a guy whose only job was to drive a small van for a paper company, you tell me what doesnt add up. he just wants her to grovel and thats where the buck stops, finally i see him for the tyrant he always was.

Deshanti

There are no enemies in this room

2012-02-04T09:51:00.000+11:00

We have been pondering Rachel's powerful words for a few days now. In fact Noel reminded me of them just a few days ago when we were having a conversation about our decision to continue to make mon accountable for her actions against us. He said all so gently remember there are no enemies in your system in my eyes either.

The moment of understanding that for the first time in our nearly forty years of life we have come to a place of realization that although the cult pitted our system against itself to make us enemies we are all a victim of circumstance. But the cult have been so clever also. For example making two alters like Amelia and Deshanti growing up although joined in body living two separate worlds, one whose world was relatively safe as long as she behaved (which Amewlia always did) and Deshanti whose mother used her as a human punching bag and whose father didnt give a shit cause he was busy doing all sorts of other things to her. Pitting two alters against each other is a carefully devised plan of keeping even your own system as a enemy against each other.

Then on top of that we have had the enemy of trying to share a horrific story to counsellors who either want to know every gory detail or who like Jane told us that we must have been drugged to see those things. The cult made another enemy and that was of our fear of telling the truth of what they did at the same time trusting someone anyone out there might believe us, when the cult have always said that what they do to us no one would believe and they like to make sure that what they do is as barbaric as possible so that when we do try and tell the story no one will believe us anyway, which instantly closes the lid on anymore stories coming out.

Then they created the enemy within as if it wasnt bad enough that we had two created alters who were pitted against each other one Easter weekend they made the blueprint for the biggest enemy of all, our own satanic alter. A cult ridden machine whose life consisted of as many rituals as possible to take her choice of life away until she became just exactly like them. In turn she became an enemy to us, her name is sam. So when the other day this alter came out Rachels profound words to our system at the at moment was the most heartfelt deepest statement a therapist can ever give to their client, there are no enemies in this room.

For years we have fought against so many other enemies also. When we were involved in Christianity we believed we were the enemy and so went through countless prayer sessions deliverance's and other such mumbo jumbo. In church we have also become the enemy our ex pastor (pastor smiles) recently was heard quoting that we were the reason that no one was coming to lord in his church. The truth is that hes the reason but because our background has been full of dark occultism we immediately become an easy target and become churches fall back when something goes wrong.

We have ourselves believed we are our own enemy, countless suicide attempts have proved that. We think over 100 stitches have been placed on our body since we started this healing journey over fifteen years ago. Countless druinken binges to counteract those horrible memories have taken its toll on our weary body. All of these because we have chosen to fight ourselves rather than fight to get the truth out. And yet seven words can cause such an effect like we havent seen for a while, there are no enemies in this room.

Satanism has taken all of our life and consumed it in one way or another, be it from bad therapists to our own stuffing around to our won self loathing, now as the future we have is so full of promise all we want to do is share it get it out and get our healing. We know our story is gruesome and at times so over the top that even we find what we hear hard to understand but having two therapists who doesnt believe that even the likes of sam are enemies gives us a hope toward reconciliation that we have never even dared to hope for.

jip-etal

A goodbye from all of us to you

2010-06-14T09:02:00.005+10:00

Well who would have known that a few days ago we wrote a blog about saying goodbye and now we find ourselves doing the same. For four days we read blog after blog about our life. Our very first blog was about the fact that we started our blog for our therapist to read so we could communicate with her without having to talk to her out of hours, and our last blog is about closiing down this blog so she cant keep reading our blog out of hours.

And now im writing a blog about saying goodbye to life spacings because we have felt that we are facing new chapters and challenges in life and lifes spacings has been about not so many triumphs as sadness. This has been a hard decision but as we start so many things new we dont wish for some people to be reading. The last few weeks ive felt more and more uneasy about mon and her party reading my blog. And as ive wrestled with a decision to close this blog we have come up with one conclusion.

Our journey the last two years has been so amazing so life giving that we believe we have outgrown life spacings and have indeed started on a new path. We feel we need to leave the past behind and start again. We want this new journey to not involve some people who have hurt us and i dont wish to give them privy into our new triumphs when being with them has caused us so much hurt.

Indeed there are new paths we are entering, new journeys and triumphs, indeed a new style of therapy has imparted a new way of living. As puzzle pieces fall into place (thankyou RR) we dont think life spacings is the place we wish to share those.

We want to thank each and every one of you for walking this journey in life spacings for the years you have. We know you will understand the reasons behind our choice to move on, know that each moment each time each journey you have given us in you has been incredible and life giving. We look forward to sharing a new journey with you for this might be goodbye to lifes spacings as a blog but it isnt goodbye from us, we just need to close this chapter of our life.

But we would like to communicate with you if you wish to you are welcome to email us at bezco@hotmail.com

We will keep this message up for a while then lifes spacings will be gone.

yours always

Jip-etal

we are back blogging - some horrific stats.

2010-06-12T12:52:00.005+10:00

Over the last week ive been noticing some anonymous proxys on my blog in the stats. I didnt feel comfortable with that as i know that ever since i have made a formal complaint against mon this has been increasing. I wasnt comfortable with this and so took my blog away fro a little while. In the meantime i did something that i should have done a while ago and have spent the last few days (on my week off) re reading all of my blogs from start to finish. And here are some of the stats i picked up.

Three times our system tried to move away from getting therapy from mon, only to find one way or another we ended up back at her office.

Over 5 attempted overdoses and nearly thirty threats of wanting to kill ourselves whilst seeing mon

Rosies own words were that felt her job was "to track us"

We counted nearly seventy i love yous given by mon to us on our blog when she writing them.

Twelve times we wrote that if we didnt answer the phone to her then she would have plan b up her sleeve and that was she would call our friends.

Mon wrote on a blog back in January 2008 "the more i work with survivors the more i realise that to love them unconditionally and to be a friend is one of the most powerful healing experiences that i can offer"

There are over ten times when monica wrote a blog on my blog which started with the words "I"

Monica wrote on our blog that the reason we had to be placed in hiding is because "they had been threatened that they would not leave alive", the threat came from a therapist at mons work who was a fellow survivor and had been programmed to kill us, well thats what we were told anyway.

When we asked mon to give evidence of the things that she accused sam of doing she refused our request, saying it wouldnt do anyone any good to see it. So i have never had any evidence that we have done any of what she accused us of.

monica charged us for calls she made to us whilst she was in england, so even though we had cleared our therapy debt before she left when she returned we were back to owing her another 180 bucks even though we had never seen hr in eight weeks.

Mon spent a lot of time hugging and holding Little's stroking their hair and telling them she loved them.

monica told us that we would probably be too damaged to ever be able to work.

Over five hundred times was a blog about ab reacting after during or near therapy when seeing mon. or when she had called us out of hours.

so lets compare it to now

We have two therapists whom we are happy with and have not tried to cease therapy with them.

We are NOT friends with our therapists and they are NOT Friends with us.

We have not overdosed or self inflicted since ceasing therapy With mon.

We can answer the phone with ease.

our therapists have never called us at home or any other place

we dont get charged when we go over time or get charged excessive amounts of money.

Our therapists have never said they love us.

Our therapist has never touched us. Except mr wonka who shook our hand once at the door when leaving.

In four classes time we will have sucessfully passed our cert II in hospitality. this also included service hours in a busy restaurant.

And lastly and more importantly we do not ab react anymore and that is the most important healing step.

Sa'de

flying a kite

2010-06-09T15:30:00.003+10:00

Last night my eight year old son and i headed off in the freezing cold wind down the beach with a kite in our hands. In all of our life we have never had a chance to fly a kite, in fact we dont even know if we knew how to fly one, but we were fast learners. The kite lifted high and we did figure eights and swirls and we froze and as the light faded i treasured that moment with my son as we giggled and talked together.

In fact it reminded me of how sad life has been that a simple treat such as flying a kite is something we hadnt done as yet. So tonight both the twins are braving the elements yet again to go down and kite fly, then after that we are making pasta together and making pink and purple cup cakes. We have so missed seeing our kids, with only four days left until graduation we are relishing the few days off to enjoy moments with our kids and rejuvenate our own selves in quite gentle ways.

jip-etal.

When is it time to say goodbye.

2010-06-07T22:15:00.005+10:00

just today we received news that a blogging friend had decided to leave blogging land and for all the sadness we felt we also know that the time was right for her. Of recent we too have found less and less time to blog our real life playing out in dinner services and cooking classes. In fact in moments when we are alone we can barely even get the energy to turn on the computer let alone blog, yet there is something that always keeps bringing us back to what we call part of our home.

Many times we stare the screen and have nothing to write because our life has become the fairytale of normality, even trying to find words that over two years ago we could barely string two words together that didnt involve how we would kill ourself or how we needed help. And now we find ourselves far from suffocating from the past but we are finding renewed strength in understanding our amazing future. We find ourselves more willing to hear the inner voice in torment and less willing to hear how we can shut that child up. We are finding that we can in fact breath when we thought our breathing was always to be owned by another person. We are finding that feelings are important and bit by bit we are trusting our therapists to help us grow with feeling no9t live without. We are finding that we are very much a like able and popular person and that people rather than being repelled in our company actually in fact enjoy it. We are learning that moments of freedom are actually a gift we would have been born with before they put us in chains. Yet in allof that we still find we cannot do without our blog.

We know one day there will come a time when we too feel we have nothing more to say but we recognise that whilst our journey may seem amazing to us it too is touching those who journey with us. As we close one therapy chapter in mon and get closure we have started a far more therapeutic one with mr wonka and rachel. No we indeed arent ready to stop blogging just yet for we have too much to say, but we know one day there will come a time when like our friend blogging makes way for new ventures, and that too we look forward to.

Thalia

A ten question meme

2010-06-05T16:33:00.004+10:00

Thankyou to mago from http://63mago.blogspot.com/ for this meme its been ages since we have been invited to do one and was very pleased at having been asked we will think of the next ten questions tomorrow and think of some people to pass this meme onto.

Ten questions

1) Do you believe in ghosts?

We believe in spirits both light and dark. We have seen them and know what they look like.

2) Are you content with your life?

Not at this point, life for us seems to have only just started and until we have made the im[act we want in the cooking arena we choose to go into then no we feel we have missed so much of life and am now just starting to catch up.

3) Have you ever been at or close to point blank?*

I am not sure what that means but we have been close to death if that is what it means.

4) Is philosophy necessary?

Necassary and i think after learning about it this last year also important. {philosophy is a wonderful exploration of all the questions why and whats more philosophy likes you asking why.

5) Do you live with books?

Oh yes, too many

6) Have you ever been on stage?

Yes

7) Do you regularly read a printed newspaper?

I wish we had time, instead we see the news each night and we always check the news on the Internet.

8) Are you afraid of the future?

No way far too excited for that

9) Do you know yourself?

At this present time only just scratching the surface

10) Will you play on?

Possibly youll have to wait and see!

food and pain

2010-06-02T11:43:00.006+10:00

Yesterday we saw Mr wonka as Rachel is still away. We were talking to him and he was asking us questions about why we have chosen cheffing as a career. And we said we have thought so long and hard about why that might be. It could be that we were starved so badly that we became infatuated with food, or it could be when we read the magic faraway tree and went to the land of treats and we realised that food can be good for you as well. Or it might be when we were allowed to eat we ate as much as we could and we dreamed of what it would be like to be able to eat anything at all.

The truth i we are not sure why we are so infatuated with food. But as we talked we also talked about being starved so we could look good for all my parents friends or the times we saw banquets of food and was amazed that there was so much food in the world. Or the one time when we were turning seven and we had been locked in a room for two days, we didnt know where we were or at whose house except it was old and it had stairs. When we were allowed out we came downstairs and there was a lavish feast assembled and everyone kept saying it was our special birthday treat. having never had a birthday really ever acknowledged before we were astounded. After this birthday treat where there were only adults we were introduced to the American our grandfathers friend and we were told that just like the food was a gift for our birthday so too would we be a gift for this man. Over the next fifteen years this man abused us in ways that the cult never could. The scar upon our mind because of that damn seventh birthday party is a scar that will remain for the rest of our life.

Either way food has played an important part of our life be it in tormentor or friend that perhaps we now have reached a conclusion that food is important to us because it matters to our health and well being. But as we talked yesterday the pain in our chest was tight the tears just beneath the surface was bubbling, the headache forming as alters expressed their pain and as i sat in the chair and felt myself begin to float away with too much pressure i knew all i wanted to do was leap from my chair scrunch myself to the ground and let the system grieve for the pain of life lost. instead i stoically held it together but the cost of that is today as the body aches and the head hurts and i feel tired, i know only too well that pressure means we have come close to raw pain and not let it go. My stubbornness my indecision on how Mr Wonka would react to a seven year old howling on his floor allowed for me to hold them back, but the cost is as always high. perhaps also the indecision on how will anyone understand what it was really like, This is sometimes a really hard job.

Sa'de

News about our complaint against mon

2010-05-29T08:47:00.005+10:00

With all the schooling we are doing we have also been doing something else. We took a break over the holidays at Easter rejuvenated our batteries and came back and placed a formal complaint into the Australian Counsellors Association regarding mons membership with them. I sent off a letter that im afraid i cant place here until the process is finished and i received a call back from them.

But i did receive a phone call stating that if only half my letter was true it would be grounds for dismissal. Then the other day after sending much more info written by mons own hand the phone call i got was that she now had 21 days in which to respond but they said the info i sent them was pretty damning. But she had broken quite a few clauses and they have sent her a letter off to her notifying her that she is being investigated. She then gets to send a letter back which i get to read and then respond. By all accounts i think this time there is nowhere she can hide. if she is found guilty she will be deregistered immediately and from there i have some other options.

Meanwhile one of my supporters has received a phone asking him for a immediate meeting as the shit has hit the fan as far as where she practices. The same people who have re employed her are also i believe starting to be investigated for having the knowledge of what she had done and still allowing her to be on the books. My understanding is that my complaint has opened a whole new can of worms and im not sure why they want to meet with this support person but i have told him that i "will not go quietly into the night" LOL.

sa'de

They laid food upon the table *might be triggering

2010-05-26T22:12:00.009+10:00

Silver service went really really well. We were put on duck and it was a popular dish and we loved it. Mr wonka apologised to us for us feeling so bad after last session, he said he didnt mean to hurt us and he felt he wanted to extend us and see what happened, but even he wasnt expecting the response ( i dont think) and so this week was more gentle with the system thank god.

But school has become harder on us. This last week we have been doing pastries. Im finding that we are in actual aversion to this component its actually doing strange things to our system. Today we spent most of the day wishing to god we could get out of the kitchen we were miserable totally miserable. At one point prepared to fail the course rather than re enter the kitchen and face yet another profiterole or eclair. We even found ourselves baulking at making them. Disliking school yet never before have we felt like this.

Taking a moment in the toilets with a closed door we had to self asses what the frick was going on for us. Suddenly we were transported back to time where our father was handing us a cornetto (ice cream) and telling us how proud he was of us and how he knew we would always keep the secrets.

Then soon after was the next scene. We found ourselves scrubbing walls it was inside a church basement we can still remember the Jesus loves you beside us as we scrubbed. Gunk red gunk was everywhere our bucket was red inside and so we scrubbed. We were tiring and as we tired we would get a welt of a stick on our bare back. We scrubbed more. As we scrubbed we saw a table being laid, nice white table cloth all clean and we didnt realise how clean until we looked at our bare body and saw we were covered in red. Then as we scrubbed and other children joined us to scrub they laid food upon the table cold food all sorts of cold buffet food. Eclairs, profiteroles, donuts ice cream jelly desserts of all kind. When we were don scrubbing we were told to wash our hands but nothing else. And when the clean inspection of the walls was over we got to serve the food. We in our red stained ugly bodies held the trays for our tormentors. As we saw them stuff their faces with cream and desserts we felt ill. Terribly ill. After ward we saw what happened with that food as they did stuff with it in other ways and we have never forgotten, even if it wasnt obvious.

We know why now we dont like desserts why these sessions at school are so overpowering and why we hope to god the the next two days go fast because we truly feel ill looking at whats going on. We have a co worker who sees us struggle and has offered to help to support us when we cant do it, but no one knows why. Sometimes even in something we love so much traces of their hatred shine through.

Lucy

Well todays the day!!!!!!!

2010-05-24T08:00:00.005+10:00

We started school in feb this year, the first few weeks were so new and so scary yet so exciting. A few weeks in we were given a new timetable and on it it said we would have to in order to pass serve at the silver service restaurant owned and run by the college. Now normally they dont shove first years down there because its a scary place. Most trainees dont see a silver service restaurant as far as working in one in most of their chefs life unless of course that is what you wish to pursue. For me silver service is nice but its not who we are, we have no desire to work for fine dining and probably never will. But the powers that be say that in order to pass the course we must present food at a silver service.

To say that we are scared would be an understatement, this is a world that is foreign to us and normally we wouldnt undertake this till last term if you go on to hosp III. But today for the first time i will be in charge of one of nine dishes and i thought id share the menu with you

Entrees/starters.

King Prawn Salad
Tortellini
Peking Duck

mains

Roast beef
chicken supreme veloute
Sea Fish meuniere

dessert

warmed date pudding
passion fruit pavlova
Crepes St Clements.

One of those will lbe my duty for the night including all accompaniments.

Scary as.

After today we have a few more days in the kitchen and a one more prac exam to do then straight in for a week in silver service and a week in the more comfortable cafe' that they also own, and then if we survive and pass we get our cert II in hospitality wohoooo

Squeals like that never ever go away

2010-05-22T22:49:00.004+10:00

The first time i heard the squeals i was three years old. the squeal sounded like a balloon being let out at the highest pitch possible, your ears burned with gut wrenching pain. As the last air exhaled the squeal got softer until it stopped altogether. For years ive avoided going there, how do i trust anyone to understand how bad that squeal/scream is. I dont think Mr Wonka would or could ever understand that squeals like that dont ever change it only takes a moment ti hear that horrible sound and remember the event and know that on the surface we are a formidable force but lying just underneath is a system whose pain is unimaginable.

Hiding behind the togetherness lies memories untold, but we refuse to fall apart to share those memories yet it seems that we are supposed to in order to be heard. how crazy can that be you spend half your life finding ways to get it together then you are supposed to let it fall apart in order to let it go. Surely there has to be a compromise because unless there is then we will never share what ever went on with us because we dont ever want to have to justify to anyone ever again why we are as strong as we are and why we arent a complete nutcase.

And the squeal went on and on

2010-05-18T16:59:00.006+10:00

ive just come back from seeing mr Wonka and usually we dont have time to write until days later but tonight we arent ok and felt we needed to write or say something. Today Mr Wonka was talking to us about the fact that we seemed so ok and that usually people from our background showed high signs of trauma but we didnt. And you know what at first i felt he was saying well because you are high functioning this couldnt have happened to you, and i was like oh here we go. But he wasnt saying that what he was wondering was why, and i answered the best I could. The truth is that we are so afraid of falling apart we would do anything to stay as high functioning as we are. Every day we tightly wrap our system and dont let it do. We use the control the cult have taught us to maintain composure and make sure that only whose supposed to be out is out.

What he doesnt know is that we are so afraid of being out of control that we hermit ourselves especially at home away from the world. The truth is we are very afraid of this world and we trust no one we have made a vow that we will do anything than be back at that girl who was so out of control we ended up in another state with no memory at all of how we got there or the girl who would wake up beside a stranger and say hi who are you. Or the girl who opened a box of crayons and started drawing the walls of the toys tore. We in fact would go to any lengths to never ever again live in a trauma filled chaos world, but the cost of this control is high.

Perhaps that showed a little bit today. just as i was sort of smiling at how we have got things under control bang Mr Wonka started to talk about perfection again. And bang the same alter who had immobilised our system a week before was out again this time my heart was racing i didnt want him out not if he was going to immobilise us again and immobilisation scares the crap out of because it means we cant keep check on whats going on or race away from danger if our body isnt working. this alter started talking about making mistakes means that youll hear the squeals no mistake means you wont.

I look around and see Deshanti start shying away and im thinking i dont get it. Shes gone a slightly pale colour and i was distracted enough watching her that i didnt realise that a nine year was presenting but this alter was totally numb from the neck down. No feeling no life no anything, and shes talking about the squealing how it doesnt stop and how shes lying on the floor in a row waiting to be taken somewhere where they cant play with her body a lot because she doesnt have feeling and im looking at deshanti quietly shaking inside saying not the squealing. I was watching Mr Wonka trying to get his head around what she was saying and at the same time i wanted to scream at him stop her talking its doing something inside an i dont know what that means but i dont like it. I want to yell dont you see this is EXACTLY the reason we have such a tight reign on the system so we dont flip out and look like a freak. And at the same time im thinking oh great now ive got a head with no body now i am a fucking freak.

I knew somehow i had to get some control back before anyone showed panic and if someone whows panic then anything can happen and thats what i dont want. So shove Deshanti out, im not too sure what they talked about but the body got back together and i quietened the system down. Inisde on the way home i heard Dehsanti quietly saying to Daisy anything but the squeals daisy. When we got home i threw up my head was thumping and i can hear internal sobbing. And I want to yell at them stop it dont you see how important it is to be high functioning IT IS SO IMPORTANT. And then it dawned on me who was the greatest perfectionist of all, perhaps my fear of being seen as a multiple out of control as we have been labelled before and when we saw mon is driving this terrible fear of hiding everyone and everything at all costs. So i guess the question i have now is do we stop therapy and just go back to hermitting ourselves or do we keep going and say stuff it get it done get it out and over with., i know the consequences if we dont but is it ok to say im scared to face whatever the squeal means. Right now i dont know.

Sa'de

time lost

2010-05-17T22:02:00.004+10:00

the last few days seem to have passed in a blur, we knew somewhere inside that time was charging faster now for us that can mean a we things, time is simply going fast or we are switching fast or we are missing time. Now either or or any would have been acceptable to us except when the answer lies in today

For those who are our friends or who have known us a long time, we are famous for not being bakers. In fact our best friend often giggles when we describe living at her parents house when we thought that pavlova (egg whites and a famous aussie dish) should be heated up in a microwave once cooked. Needless to say it exploded nearly shorting the microwave and me left cleaning ti up an hour later. our countless adventures later we have always found any way in which to find a friend to bring dessert. Not only are we not gifted at it we actually dont even like desserts LOL.

But today we blind bakes a fruit flan and a lemon tart apparently perfectly well the problem is we cant actually remember it. Over the last few days time is seemingly like this. Hand in hand with this is the night mares and it is time consuming and tiring. This has only started since last weeks visit with Mr wonka but maybe its all just coincidental. But if so how come we keep seeing dark rituals terribly dark rituals.

Sa'de

Immobolised

2010-05-13T17:09:00.005+10:00

On Tuesday we went to see Mr wonka, Rachel wont be back until the middle of next month. we were talking to Mr Wonka about how we had a sort of meltdown at college on Monday. We had an assessment that involved theory to start with and because we were already stressed over our ex's behaviour and we were stressed because we had such a huge assessment we didnt do so well. In our course its 100% or nothing. So finding out we had failed right before we were about to present four plates of food was heartbreaking.

Somewhere through out the service our teacher tried to talk to us but we were so upset that we ended up in the toilets in tears. Our co worker finding us and we kept saying you dont understand failure isnt an option for us. We cant walk out of school today without a pass and then burst into more tears. Finally she calmed us down enough for us to come back into class and we presented the best food we have ever cooked. I cant remember it but i guess one of our alters who strive for perfection took over. In fact our food was so good our teacher had two of our four dishes for his lunch LOL. We of course passed our presentation with flying colours.

but then we get to Mr wonka and he was suggesting that well you know what im not sure what he was suggesting but he was kind of asking if it was at all possible to just get on with life no matter what our past holds. Im sure it was more complex than that but its hard to explain. When all of sudden i was shoved aside and an later emerged who looked at Mr Wonka and said in a cold hard voice failure is NOT an option. I dont know who was more surprised me or him, maybe me because there in front of me was a shadow child. After talking to Mr Wonka for a while we came back and i cant move my legs my arms only my head.

I was totally like i was had been covered in concrete and it was scary i started to panic and think oh fuck what happens now and Mr Wonka i think is sort of going uh oh what do i do here. Everything was so heavy my body was out of place, i didnt know hat to do, i knew the more i panicked the worse ti might become so we did some breathing with Mr wonka and after what seemed an eternity i got my feeling back. But every now and again i feel like that again and im freaking out because i was scared like really scared.

I am not sure why they did that to our body or even how i wish someone could tell me but one thing i know if Mr Wonka wants to work with these alters then i am thinking more time given in recovery afterward might be an idea. As for my test we re sat it passed it with flying colours today.

Deshanti

life with little alters

2010-05-10T22:07:00.006+10:00

We were searching in our blogs for matrerial about what mon had written to us, as a very serious development has taken place and some people were asking us to provide them with details about her. When we came across this blog that we thought we would repost here.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

life with little alters

enola from http://enola-survivor.blogspot.com/ has asked a question and we would firstly like to thank her for the question and secondly answer it here as it is a good question and one many people have asked before.Can I ask a question? What happens if a young alter is "in charge" when you need to be fulfilling a Mom role with your children? Can you stay in control of that type situation? I'd imagine that would be a scary proposition.

For those who arent aware we have five outside children all under 11. Juggling that with many many internal children is challenging so for the best explanation we will say outside children and inside alters. Alters inside being the littles we often refer to who havent had a chance to grow up the way our outside children have. In other words they were so abused their growth was stunted and they remain the ages that their abuse took place in. A six year old has the traits of any six year old and she is six years old, the same applies to those whose ages are the same.The inside alters understand mostly that they live within a big body but heir mind has not been healed enough to grow up to the age the body is, so in essence they remain as children.

Well before we were first diagnosed we had a system growing and working inside, we had places the littles could go to play and be safe we had built a community internally based around the needs of those inside. We have places to play we have grounds we have a huge mansion we have flying foxes and even a nearly built ski lift, in essence we took what we saw that was nice on the outside and placed it inside, thus making our internal world far safer than how we see the external. And until we started therapy we think we had a very good programn going but it was lacking one dimension healing. We had everything else but we couldnt stop the littles hurt or pain or fear or terror for that reason our functioning on the outside was getting worse and worse losing time every day and having appalling reactions to things we had no other choice but attend therapy.

Within months as it has been written about before we were formally diagnosed, by a Counsellor a psychologist and just in case we wanted to run back to denial a psychiatrist as well. We are not escaping multiplicity anymore, suddenly all those inside felt their life was going to be heard so heard they wanted to be, they came in and out faster than a steam train through a tunnel and for a long time we were afraid to go out without someone who knew about our multiplicity with us because littles would get into toy shops and poke and press until something broke, the worst was probably a year after diagnosis when the littles believed they now had a right to be seen and someone was listening. One little sat on a kids trike in the middle of a shopping centre and broke it then proceeded to scream and cry because they had, moments like that are embarrassing and we try to not think about all those things. I guess if you were going to sum it up we had at times like that in the first two years after being diagnosed become one of the multiples the movies depict so much, we were like they described. So after a while it was obvious the littles were controlling most of our time and we by this stage had sustained a few accidents because the littles were out driving a car, one nine year old thought it was funny to drive our car as she thought it was a dodgem car and many times ended up in the ditch laughing. Finally we couldnt do it anymore we had tried so many times to commit suicide and numerous stitches from alters who cut themselves for various reasons something had to give.

And so we went to our T at the time (not M) and pleaded for help, slowly she and us worked toward letting the littes have time out but in more constructive ways. She would bring in coloured pencils and textas and games an toys and numerous stuffed animals (our T at the time was specialising ins childrens psychology) and we slowly taught them that they could have time out and be out and get support and love and all of that but they needed to understand that it wasnt to anyone benefit to be that much out all the time and that is they got into danger how could we as bigs help them.We got lists together of times they couldbe out and having fun and times they coudlnt we also talked ot hem about what they thought they needed inside to help them when they werent out. We allotted specific time with our T just for the littles and that improved things greatly. We organised internal meetings in a huge meeting room where all alters could air their grievances and have their say, something we still do on a weekly basis, those alters too shy to talk to such a big group had their own pens and pencils and areas they could tell one of their own peers who then could tell us. We managed to do this in the three years after diagnosis.Our first child was a surprise (w never wanted children) and the littles for a while were put out as they body grew and changed in pregnancy and then our son was born they had to learn new things and that was sharing. When he was little they would crawl around the house beside him and watched him like any mother. In fact they were very fiercely protective of him, he was the most loved in ways he could never know. I think seeing him grow and seeing us look after him gave the littles some hope in their own future and some trust in us bigs making and helping them with a future. They finally saw what a mum was and could be.

Along came our daughter and they again reacted in nothing but protectiveness, and so came the final three children.over the years they have learnt that what our outside kids get they can also play with that the kids go to school and they can use them then, they can sneak looks and watch and sometimes the sheer delight of seeing the excitement on our outside kids faces make our inside littles feel very much part of the action. They know they arent capable of looking after five children and they understand they can interact with them but without our outside kids knowing. In turn when we get say a new teddy bear the outside kids smile and say cool mum and accept that is their mum whose a bit silly, they have been taught yes you can hold but you must give back and they accept that and in the same way our inside are taught the same. Our littles are very aware they are part of a unique relationship and the years of embarrassing moments has thankfully passed almost. Occasionally a new alter will pop up not understanding the rules but over time and patience they learn. We have learnt over time to flunk our way through with jokes and silliness to side track from anyone noticing a little was out. We are unfortunate in many ways because even after all these years we are still unable to disguise a little being out. Our face changes to such a degree you cant help but notice and their mannerisms are very apparent, but mostly they come out when they think its safe nad they are free to be who they want to be and not all the time everytime.

If an alter cant get back in they have M's number in the phone we have taught them how to use it for her and hope they can get through if not they have many other avenues they can try while they are waiting. But thankfully a little as in under 10 hasnt been in charge of the household alone in a very long time. Mostly if we are taken out or cant get out its a teen and they dont panic as much and know to wait for help to arrive. In time of high triggering Easter and Xmas we know the littles might be out a bit more but thats mostly at night and we know those times are huge traffic areas for our system so we put as much into place to make it easier on all who are involved. Over all the years of therapy have freed us to have a system that is workable and efficient and right for us.

Jip-etal

Its been a week of us saying what we think to people who have hurt us.

2010-05-08T06:57:00.004+10:00

over this last week we have been wondering when the payback might take place and in what form. You see in the cult there is never an action without a counter reaction. They dont like anyone speaking out against them so they tend to want revenge once you do. And last night came a response.

At 5.30 i received a phone call from me ex husbands mother. Now to give you a history over two years ago was the last time i talked to them or her. The last time we spoke i was told that i was a selfish bitch for leaving her son and that i was lucky tohave anyone put up with me for that long as everyone knew i was mentally unstable and he was a martyr for putting up with me so long. I hung up the phone in tears and wordless and ive never spoken to them ever since. They also stopped calling their own grand kids for their birthdays because they lived with me.

So imagine my surprise when she calls last night. I spoke as coldly as i could as she asked if id seen her son as he had failed to pick up the food she was cooking him for the week(yes thats right she still cooks for him and he lives at their holiday house virtually rent free). I said that i hadn't and that he was due to arrive at our house anytime to pick up kids and id call her back when and if he arrived.

Less than five minutes later he knocks at my door i say come in and he wont and the reason he wont is because he doesnt want me to smell the alcohol that hes consumed. I ask him how much hes had to drink, he says i havent been drinking, i ask again how much have you had to drink he says nothing i ask again how much have you had to drink and he says only a little bit. Im used to my ex lying hes done it for so long i dont think he even knows hes lying anymore. I then tell him hes not picking up my kids from day care in that state and he wont be having the children that night at all. He then gets back in his car drunk and wants to drive home. I remove the keys and tell him hes in no fit state to drive. At the same time i phone his father and say ive found your son hes drunk again attempting to pick up kids and behind the wheel of a car again. This was the first time they have known his drinking has reached this proportion so i leave his father talking to him on the phone and pick up my kids my daycare.

I arrive home to find my eight year old son bawling his eyes out, and my fourteen year old trying to calm him down. Apparently their father had come inside looking for his keys and frightened the living bejeebbies out of the eight year old as he was slurring his words and trying to look for his keys, as he was too drunk to remember id taken them. I then quickly phoned a friend and said this is an emergency can you please talk to my kids on the phone whilst i remove their drunken father from my premises. When i got home the eight year old was still sobbing a little bit but he was better. The others were upset but because they have seen him like this before they are now starting to call their dad names like liar, drunk, unreliable etc etc.

I then grab the phone and ring his parents. His mother answered and she said well its no wonder hes drinking he has the kids all the time. I went off i mena i went off, this is the lies hes been telling her, that hes been picking up the kids all the time, hes been driving them to their sporting places, he gets no time off because we demand him to look after them all the time and that im a drunk myself. So you can imagine my reaction, I told her that only her arrogance would dare assume what she thought she did or did not know about me after not talking to me for two years. That i have the children 12 out of 14 days a fortnight, that i get up at 5 am to get kids out of the house by 6.55 to get to before school care, i get o school at 8 to start my first class and often my day finishes barely in enough time to get them from after school care at 5.30, that as for drinking i have no time as im in bed by ten at night. I also told her that she was enabling his drinking by letting him fall to her when he was broke from spending his money on booze. I literally went off.

I also told her next time he arrived to pick up the kids drunk these were the consequences. I would let him get back in his car call the police who would meet him at after school care where they would arrest him and he would lose his licence and lave to sit in a cell to sober up. That I would not take the call to bail him out and that he would have to call them. his mother was silent at the other end of the phone. the penny had dropped. I then added because I was mad that i had loads of people willing to tell her the consequences on his drinking binges and whose phone number would she like first. She then went on to say well J and i are really sick we cant cope with this. i spat out oh im fucking sick of this you've been sick for ten years im over that bullshit no sympathy from this couch. Get your son in counselling and AA before he kills himself or someone else. She then very quietly almost like she was defeated said that our fourteen year old son had tried to tell them that his dad was drinking and that he was a compulsive liar as well, she then thanked me for being a good parent to the kids and that she would try and get him help. We said a mutual goodbye and i went strike two.!

As for the ex ive still got his keys and unless he can prove hes sober he aint gettin em back.

Marrikah and Angela

ps angela removed all my swear words LOL

Taking the power back.

2010-05-05T18:05:00.006+10:00

its been a week since my dad refused my sister the money for her operation and as the week past i realised that i felt mad not just for her but for the many times he had refused to stop our pain as well. So after much thought i decided to meet him face to face to ask him why he had made the decision he had.

We met in park in public place and the first thing i asked him was if it had been me would he have found the money. he stared at me wide eyed and said im not sure, if i had it maybe but i cant answer that as i dont know but id have tohink about it. And it was then that i knew my answer this pathetic piece of shit was effectively telling me that nothing in him had changed over the years not one ounce of humanity had found the way into his cold heart.

Then i turned to him and said tell me dad im just wondering how your memory is these days. I then asked him if he remembered how his two useless daughters had tended to his wound after mum had stabbed him in one of her rages. he looked me fair square in the eye and said that never happened. I looked him square back and said well dad the people who saw the knife being put in the bin did. I then said dad you might have made yourself out to be a poor sad individual but most people who know you know youve always been nothing but a conniving mean prick, and is a liar as well. After he stopped for a minute he did a back flip and he said ohh i vaguely remember that incident. I got up and walked slowly away.

He came up to me a while later and said im so sorry for not helping you against your mum but what was i do to. And i looked at him and said be a man but then again dad i dont think you know what being a man means i think there are many other words to describe you but manly isnt one of them. he then said well mums not here anymore and i said yep and ive gone to many years of counselling to get healing from what you BOTH subjected me to. He had a look of horror on his face a look of pure fear. he stopped and said what did the therapist say, i responded they said you were both sick twisted individuals who deserved to get locked up. He went even paler and then i added but youve just proved it by denying your own daughter who you stole freedom from, her right to have and own breasts.

He then looked at me and said K youve always had a vivid imagination now would you like an ice cream, and it was at that moment that all was confirmed. You see when i tried to tell anyone about what was going on he always said those words K has such a vivid imagination and the people believed him. When he falsified with a psychiatrist a report about my mental instability (a psychiatrists who was a cult member and whom we only saw in rituals) he said those words she has such a vivid imagination. When he was satisfied that we would be quiet again he would always buy us an icecream. So it was so pathetic that his distortion would think i would accept such a pathetic deal.

I turned to him and said this there are two things i need to say to you right now, leaning forward i looked him in the eyes and said firstly you will never ever again try and demeanor my very accurate and detailed long memory and secondly you will never ever again belittle my intellect because i can assure you dad both are very much in tact and unlike you i havent spent my life lying so much that i dont even know when im lying anymore which it seems you have achieved very well yourself. As for the ice cream yes thanks, as i smiled sweetly his hand trembled as he handed the money over. It was the sweetest ice cream we have ever had.

Then the interrnal battle started, if you let out sam she can get him once and for all. After all sam in her position would squash him in his, then the other issue was our sister. Now she had got what she wanted she had once again gone back to her hole and when we tried to contact her she wasnt responding. We felt them both sucking their toxicity back into us, it was that hollow voice once more but you know that if you rejoin us they can be punished. We struggled deep-lyo ver the next twenty four hours, we had nightmares of what happened to traitors and clear memories of punishments for those who dared speak out.

Finally on Monday night we started to implode rather than self punish we phoned a Friend we poured our grief out and let it go. In those tears we knew we were also saying goodbye to our sister and father it is the only way, but what we do know is that we spoke the truth for the first time to our primary abuser and it felt good. We in that moment took our power back.

Jip-etal

I felt i didnt have a choice

2010-05-01T09:45:00.004+10:00

I met with Rachel last week for the first time. I took the moment when Noel was there to introduce myself and see her face to face. I felt safer with Noel there, for me he is a person who i know wouldnt let harm come to me. We didnt have a long time together but i did like her. I told her she was pretty and she got all embarrassed then i got embarrassed cause id embarrassed her but for me i was only saying what i saw and she is pretty. So this week i ventured to see her again.

We talked a lot about whats important to me. things like church and god and purity and being good and the normal things that most people know about me. but then we got onto why the rest inside mightnt trust me. I dont know why i shared what i did perhaps i felt the others inside had really tried to protect me and i wanted to explain some things to them and felt safer with a third person. Perhaps all those years of thinking was starting to make me feel sucked in, i dont know but i felt it was time to share.

Two and a half years ago i did something that wasnt that great, one night after talking to mon i took a lot of pills, i hid the phones i lay down in bed and waited for my angel to come and take me to be with god. Rachel asked about my angel and i said that i often saw her as id often seen angels with other people, i didnt think it was strange so for me waiting for my angel was normal. Except this time i waited for my angel to take me to be with god because i would be dead. I knew exactly what i was doing this was no impulsive thought, this had being a thought accumulating for many months..I knew and could see that the more time they spent with mon the worse life got, i also knew that when she decided you werent useful anymore she found a way to get rid of you.

I can remember clearly that one day when Noel was there at therapy i came out hoping that she would talk to me and stop making my life a misery and she told me instantly that until i did as she asked she wouldn't talk to me, from that day on i knew one way or another she would find a way to kill me, be it in spirit or in life. Im not sure why she wanted to do that but i have my ideas, ideas that no on would believe but im not stupid i might have memory lapses but the last two years in seclusion inside have helped me see why getting rid of me might be important.

Then one night after she had spent the day disorientating and playing with the others inside heads, she placed a phone call to me. Do i know if she knew i would answer maybe she did, i often came out when everyone else was disorientated. The conversation went a bit like this Amelia you know you are hindering the others from working through their issues, if you continue refusing to tell me your story which is important for others healing then i will have no choice but to talk to others inside and organise for you to go elsewhere until you will talk. She then said she had another crisis to deal with and to tell the others she called and that she will expect my decision shortly.

For me when mon organised others to be sent away they always ended up on the third level, where they were tortured abused and hurt. As i sat there in my chair and Rachel staring at me with her big eyes showing recognition that effectively mon had given me no choice. I quietly told her that i first hid the phones i then went and got some alcohol and swallowed pill after pill after pill. Death was my only reprieve, for me for them to continue seeing mon they would ultimately be signing my death certificate anyway. For me i knew inside that mon was a bad bad woman and if no one else could stop her hurting the others inside then i could stop it all in death.

I suppose its not often you will hear anyone say that the only way to escape their therapist is to kill themselves but thats what i felt i had to do. I know its probable that no one will understand that but for me mon had become my abuser and i didnt have anyone to turn to to tell so i did the only thing i could.

I know now that Sa'de saved the body's life i know now that my decision to do what i did jolted everyone awake and i know now that because of my actions mon is no longer in my life. I am getting better day by day, but i have this terrible niggling horrible fear that somewhere out there she is twisting someone elses life just like she twisted mine, and i have this awful fear that just maybe she isnt who she says she is.

Amelia

Odds and Soda

2010-04-29T10:26:00.004+10:00

We ll yesterday was the last time we get to see Rachel for six weeks due to the fact shes on holidays. She was so concerned we would be ok whilst she was gone, she even offered her supervisor for us to see whilst she was away, we said thanks but no thanks. We will see mr wonka for the time shes away. Its funny though we cast our mind back to when mon left for overseas and what a drama that entailed. For us it was have a nice time see you when you get back, guess it shows how much we have changed hey.

Speaking of mon, well we are now better rested and the other day at school received a phone call from someone who had some information about what have been through and had done their own investigation (this was a large company) and had found some information on mon that might prove to be helpful. The phone call was about them giving me the right direction to go in and their suggestion i head that way as they too are very concerned by what they have learned. Consequently as you can imagine we have taken their advice.

School is busy, we are still getting close to near perfect marks and have decided that we will go on and do another six months and get our chefs hat. That will entail night work at the schools restaurant so ill have to employ a nanny but it will be worth it.

We got a call last night from a friend who wanted to thank us for always giving the time to listen and give advice and how blessed she was because of us. She also wanted to thank us for our honesty and openness about being a multiple and what it feels like. This friend is studying to work in the mental health field and is fast becoming a wonderfully understanding and caring individual to those who are different. And it was nice to hear her say those things to us though.

We havent been to church for a long time we are finding this refreshing and healing. Instead we watch TV go swimming or anything else.

As for swimming we have lost fifteen kilos and am up to eighty laps of the pool, we find swimming far more performance enhancing than the gym we also find that we have more time to think lapping up and down the pool than at the gym. But we are still struggling with the bulimia and alters are still throwing up.

Amelia talked for a long time to Rachel yesterday and it was a breakthrough we needed. She talked about the last phone call she had with mon and the consequences of that, it is indeed a truly heartbreaking story. Alas the system are still feeling raw over it but stay tuned the next few days we will write what happened that fateful night two and half years ago when Amelia nearly took our life, as the story has now been revealed and it wasnt what we thought.

Well thats all folks.

Jip-etal

How come she still can cuase us to react like that?

2010-04-17T07:22:00.004+10:00

Well on the runner of coming back from visiting our birth family and having many unleft and painful questions we get another surprise.

We had a rare day off from college on thursday when we got a message we read the name and went uh oh. Instantly our stomach started to react, it was like we had started to run a marathon and we hadnt even read the message. The sender was our sister. The battle was on look and see what she says or not. In the end curiosity got the better of us and we checked it. Her message was asking if we thought someone we both knew which is our father would lend her some money for an operation. I responded that he might if i asked. But i needed to know why. She had just been told that she needed a double mascetomy and her ovaries out and she needed the money to reconstruct her breasts. They had found the cancer gene in those cells so now it was to come all out.

I told her i was sorry for that news and that i would indeed ask our father for the money. Perhaps a part of me felt hat our sister deserved this money for all the stuff we had gone through in our lives. I have contact with my father four times a year for me i have found its easier to have contact than not because not means you usually get followed at some point. Having contact for whatever reason seems to keep us safe. But i also started to kick myself.

Over the years our sister has continued to hurt us in one way or another. She has done it all her life and we have let her do it because we felt we deserved to be treated like shit. But after we left mon and our head started to clear we made a decision that if it wasnt doing us good it was time to say bye bye. Our sister was one of the people that we needed to get out of our life. We make little to no effort to talk to her and we have found ourselves feeling ok about it. But it seems that when you make decisions to leave people out of your life the same people who didnt give a shit before suddenly want in. Recently she asked if she could add us as her sister on facebook something she has tried to deny we were for most of her life.

In the end we actually spoke on the phone and i found myself with alters presenting who were damned if this woman was going to get in to hurt anyone, the conversation was ok but we were cold and not responsive. Years of being pulled on a string in hope our sister will love us has now dissipated into what do you want. We mentioned that we were looking forward to holiday near where she was her response was hey ill bring the kids and we will have a day out. And im like oh ummmm you see every time our sister had a day out with us, thankfully its been nearly ten years, we always find ourselves left out or simply she has a knack she learnt from mum to say enough to make us know we are three feet tall and shrinking.

The rest of the day after talking to her i felt annoyed for answering the call and annoyed we had got roped in as usual.Yesterday we found ourselves feeling low (something we havent felt in nearly two and half years) we found ourselves tired and shitty. We always feel this way after talking to our sister its almost like she causes some effect we havent yet worked out and we dont get over so quickly. Over the years this feeling has only increased which is why we have little to no contact, its like she drains our system and we end up feeling terrible. Yet at the same time the duty of care because of our past doesnt let us go, we feel we still need to protect her and i dont get why.

Jip-etal

I feel like crying

2010-04-13T21:56:00.004+10:00

Mr wonka today wanted me to write about how i was feeling on this blog. but i made a promise to someone about something i know and am struggling to juggle what was told to me three years ago and know that this is huge in my life today. how do you ever know as a survivor when keeping more secrets is keeping silence and when it is keeping a promise. Mr wonka didnt tell me today and he only merely hinted i had gone into protection of my birth family just as id done in my adoptive family. I am so lost, perplexed, bewildered and have no one to talk to. But the secret is mind blowing, im getting sucked in by my own promise gainst my own healing. How can i let this happen again? I guess when im not healed it is easy to keep secrets all over again isnt it? Even if they arent my secrets.

Im feeling burdened. I have no time to call people i would trust with this and am feeling suffocated.

We got 37/40 for our prac exam today.

For the first time in nearly two years we feel like crying.. Bleh.

Deshanti

you are always dead in my eyes they just havent taken you yet

2010-04-09T18:38:00.006+10:00

We are away still sitting in a nice luxury hotel overlooking to most beautiful view in the last leg of our journey. Last night we were lucky enough to talk to our grandmother and aunty. The talk went on for hours we had a chance now our birth parents werent present to talk as we never have before. our grandmother was saying that after meeting our adoptive parents how nice they seemed to be and how she was struggling to understand how such seemingly nice people nice people could be allowed to adopt a baby.he didnt understand how mum being the way she was was allowed to even adopt me. She didnt disbelieve what we had gone throguh she was just struggling to know how to understand it without feeling her own guilt for not insisting we stay with our biorth parents.

When i went to bed we had a chance to communicate within and i thought id write what was shared.

We were seven we had just been allowed to eat dinner at the table normally we had to eat under it. We were doing the dishes we thought we were safe. But alas we didnt pick up that mum was about to blow. Her hand hit the water splashing us in our face as we went to wipe it she slapped us telling us we were going to strike her. Suddenly our clothes were down around our ankles we stood there shivering it was cold.

She pushed us hard and we just kept moving maybe it was to the cage were to go, bit no she had devised newer sicker twisted plan. She scurried into the garage us hiding and holding our naked lonely body. Suddenly she emerged the glee on her face as she held the ropes up high. She pointed to the sky that tonight they would be pleased, by this stage we knew it meant those damn demons she believed in, and we are certain turned into when she became like this.

My hands were quickly tied behind the tree my feet bound, she raised her hands to the sky pleading with her god to take me into the night and let me die. For this seven year old all she remembers is the sadness that she was so bad her mother wanted her dead, whilst she watched her sister from the kitchen window inside and warm.

Hours later our body tiring from the cold and passing out beginning we looked up to wee our neighbour watching from her bedroom window. Again no one says anything who cares. Sometime in the night this alter saw red eyes and a figure watching her but perhaps delusion was setting in but maybe it was mums demon after all. many many hours later this alter was brought inside dressed and put to bed.

the last words mum whispered top her was "you are always dead in my eyes they just havent taken you yet"

We also wish that things couild have been different we never often say it but deep down we will always wonder what it would ahve bene like to not hve beene adopted

Deshanti

we said we would and we have

2010-04-06T20:19:00.004+10:00

Well we didnt want to say until we were here but we indeed did book that trip to visit our family and we have indeed arrived.

On flew out on monday and stayed overnight in the neighbouring town and then today we hired a car and headed down the road a few hours and here we are. We have spent the day with our cousin and cooked dinner for her and her family and friends tonight. As we write this we are back at our small and simple hotel awaiting our grandmother and aunty tomorrow.

What no one actually knows is that i have never ever gone on a trip by myself before. we are finding ti overwhelming and yet we said this year we would travel alone and so we are. Im hoping tomorrow will lift our spirits a bit more as we are feeling a little lost. But we did yesterday go on a winery tour which was wonderful. And tomorrow we get to taste more wines as our cousin will be taking us to more. Perhaps tonight we sit here amazed how much courage we have and at the same time an overwhelming sense of we wish we had had this such a long time ago.

jip-etal

So who should integrate??????

2010-04-03T15:52:00.004+11:00

I was going to each blog this morning and was reading MiKaels blog http://mycloudsandmystorms.blogspot.com/ about living with D.ID . And as i was reading the comments one reader said this that they felt that for them intergrating was important, for her not integrating meant that the field was left wide open for a chance of new alters being created. She felt that for her not integrating meant she wasnt fully healed. In the end it was a great discussion between both MiKael and the commenter called ER.

But it lead to our own thoughts about integration. When we were first diagnosed nearly 18 years ago the common thoughts were that recovery of memories involved reliving them and going back to talk about them and at the end once it was all done integration. So wen did the hard yards we talked and did the reliving and yet no one integrated. looking back now i can see how our therapist at the time considered herself a failure at working with people with MPD. After all she was told this is how you did it and the person telling her this was the leading expert at the time of D.I.D.

For whatever reason our alters refused to go with common thought and balked against integration. So instead a group of people got together and organised a deliverance in order to force a form of integration. That didnt work so we were simply labelled unco operative and at time s we even the whispers that were possessed. Moving to our next therapist well she was useless, then we got to mon, well we all know how that ended up...... but.........Mon at one point thoguht she might look like she was doing her job and get some alters integrated. So this group of alters all came together and so called integrated, but did they?

Two years after seeing mon these so called integrated alters emerged saying well we just did as she asked without doing it. But it starts to beg the question, do alters who have integrated done that all? Is the power of a persons suggestion as mons was to us enough to place an later back into hiding and the supposedly healed person suddenly find themselves D.I.D all over again. And who says you have to integrate, certainly the therapist who isnt a multiple would say so, but is their theory correct after all many people have lost loved ones in their life and can many many many years later grieve so does that mean that their grief albeit years later is incorrect, according to modern therapy they say its normal. In the same way surely my dissociative parts are equally as normal for they too have suffered grief, and can many years later relive that grief.

We are very lucky in that both our therapists believe that integration isnt an option unless we choose it to be so and so therefor dont mention it. But you see i have found that the chain of thought of integration derives from the christian component of therapy that says that no child of god should be left unhealed, that god is into making everything good and whole, but yet we cant help thinking this, if god was so whole then how come there are three parts to him. Perhaps the lesson should be learnt that being so called whole isnt always the ideal but being healthy and well is.

Sa'de

Buried alive might be triggering*****

2010-03-31T22:02:00.003+11:00

We went to therapy today it hurt it hurt a lot we forgot how much alters especially Little's remembering horrible terrible repulsive vulgar and degrading rituals were.

We knew when seeing Rachel today Christine's being buried in a box was going to be the theme. Mon who had carefully left these terrible rituals half healed in order to recreate more trauma, were about to be closed up. We let the alters whose whole existences had been i dont want to go to ground to talk.

Rachel was gentle and kind shocked and astounded but never ever letting those Little's get swallowed back into he memory. She was the counsellor we needed her to be. She reminded them that what they had been through was not now and kept them grounded. They in turn kept to our policy of start sharing finishes it out..... and they did just that.

These brave six year olds told a horrific tale of ritual abuse beyond comprehension, of course not for those who have faced re birthing in its barbaric form, as some unfortunate survivors have. We then were lucky enough to see MR wonka straight after ward who was able to converse with these alters, he like Rachel showed us humanity at its greatest witness.

Tonight we curl ourselves gently into a foetal position and gently rock those terribly ritualised alters into rest, they have gone far and further than we have ever hoped for, their courage takes our words away. And maybe this time

Going to ground will never be Christine's nightmare ever again.

Deshanti.

P.S *****this is my personal thoughts***********

the littles talked about mon today and this is what i want to say to her

you are fucking bitch for robbing these six year olds of true healing for you kept them in pain as long as you could, littles talk and they talk about how you screwed them over, keeping them half healed and probing them for as much info as you could.

The news about mon and my complaint

2010-03-27T12:32:00.005+11:00

This is a hard blog to write and it may be even harder for you to read. As you know my complaint against mon was being processed, she had been stood down pending an investigation and the practice where she works part time employed lawyers to make sure they were doing the right thing. Yesterday I received the news that perhaps as sad as it may be came not unexpectedly. Monica was after seeking legal advice receiving a rap over the knuckles and a youve been a very bad girl dont do again and will retain her job at the practice with a warning. Now i know this sounds weird but i was expecting nothing else but this. Christian organisations are notorious for being inept at dealing with their inadequacies and therefor sweep many things under the carpet.

Of course i took this news quite calmly. This morning i was of course notifying my support team of the events and i said to them that i felt tired. I had so far this two months juggled full time schooling, single parenting, this complaint against mon and my own personal therapy. Yesterday was the start of a two week break and i am needing it. I told my support people that i was too tired to fight this anymore. My support people then said that i had done well but hey were unable to leave this because some of them are professionals in the mental health field and that ethically for them they now were going to battle for the future people that came into her care.

I let them know that i would not stand in their way and nor could i if that is what they had chosen. So mon may walk into that meeting today with a rap over the knuckles but it seems this fight has touched many more hearts than i imagined and in my exhaustion people with far more clout are taking a stand. . Also the therapist who told monica that she was programmed to kill me and i was placed into two weeks of isolation through hiding is a therapist at the same practice who will also receive only a warning. Despite the fact that i have her on record writing on my blog saying that she was going to kill me.

Gold medal winner

2010-03-22T22:11:00.003+11:00

Today was our birthday but i thought id share our scores with you at presentation today. We had six meals to present, and we got perfect tens on all of them 60/60. We were awarded the gold medal we are so exstatic. WOHOOOOOOO. And we got 100% on theory.

I got bitten

2010-03-21T20:41:00.003+11:00

So tomorrow is my birthday, this year we decided to go to see mama mia, the abba based musical. We asked our best friend from high school and she was rapt, we bought box seat tickets (they cost a lot) and because she lives in the city we decided to meet her at her house first then go onto the theatre via china town for dinner.

Before we went we deiced to take her two gorgeous sons aged five and two to park to play. I felt a sharb stab on the back of my knee cap and figured it was my shorts just brushing at the back. We took the boys home and got ready to go out. Standing at the train station i felt the back of my leg as it had started to get itchy, it wasnt just itchy but it was swelling. Within moments of me discovering that i started to feel sick like not normal sick i mean violently sick. My temp was raised but as the waves were coming at about three minute intervals i just kept saying it will be ok.

We got on the train and i watched as my leg started to balloon and my temp was raising terribly, i even sat through dinner but couldnt eat and threw up at least five times, finally i said to my friend im really sorry im really ill in fact i think something is really badly wrong. We get to the theatre by this stage im a shade of yellow like apparently id gone a gaunt yellow, my mouth was pasty and tasted metallic. The box office people changed our tickets times and date till next week and we got a taxi home. By the time we got back to our friends house our leg had gone a shade of red and puss was forming underneath the skin.

I layed down and half an hour the nausea ceased by this stage my leg is itchy, after a while we decided we didnt need hospital and stayed the night sleeping instead. Today our skin where we got bitten is taut and red, its itchy and sore and we still have bouts of nausea. Tomorrow we have to face a 4 hour test at school i sure hope im ok to do that, and im ok because i dont want to be sick on my birthday.

In the end we think a white tail bit us or perhaps a baby red back, bleh.

I freaked out

2010-03-13T18:48:00.003+11:00

On Friday we had our second assessment. Now what that involves is a one hour theory test and 4 hour prac. We have to present food to our teacher within time periods if its not there you are marked down or simply fail. Sop on Friday we presented poached eggs on toast (not as easy as you think under pressure), perfect el dente noddles sauteed in garlic and spices and Parmesan, rice pilaf and roghan josh curry, and chocolate pudding. Now in the time given its not as easy as it looks. Beside me i have a wonderful friend and chef but under pressure she totally freaks. Making me more nervous than i am actually am feeling. At times ive had to calm her down telling her life isnt worth a heart attack.

At the end of service i had secured a 45 out of 50 with two perfect tens. I came fourth but overall the other two who came in were already chefs on the pass and my co bench sharer came in second. At the end of the day not bad for someone who has never been on the pass at a restaurant before.

But one moment came and in my theory i had slipped up on two questions. My teacher came to me to clarify my answers, without 100% i can fail. He comes around to clarify so you do really know and i freaked. Like totally freaked. he came to me and asked why we dont poach brains, and i went i dont know i dont know and started to crumble, he is looking at me freak out and going what the hell is going on. This normally competant woman who can present ten out of ten food is freaking out. For me I saw only one person asking this sort of question under pressure. I saw my mum, i saw her finger in my face her accusations, her torture if I failed. I saw the flame she used to burn me with in places that cant be seen. I saw my teacher as my aggressor my torturer. I freaked out. ii was humiliation.

it took me two minutes to calm littles and address his questions. In the end i got them right. But my co worker looked at me quizzically. Last night i met with my co worker at the pub, she commented on how i was the most amazing chef and supporter to the class and how she was shocked at my reaction. I responded that i had had a momentary flashback and apologised she responded with i am proud to work beside you in the kitchen you inspire me.

For me i was so sad that my past had entered the kitchen and ashamed that i freaked to this point, albeit not noticed too much but enough. I felt sad.

Its back

2010-03-09T21:57:00.007+11:00

My life right now is so utterly frantic . But its more than that its insanely busy. But...................its also not so ok.

Each day we get into the kitchen and cook but we have no idea how an earth we produce such amazing plates of food. We hear from our teacher perfect flawless creative. But who is she that makes this amazingly amazing food.?????????? We are frumpy and not creative but it seems direct orders from a chef in charge rallies this alter to attention and she doesnt fail. I don't mind that but it seems to bizarre.

Alas we are fighting a battle we wish we didnt have to. We are now throwing up once a day but if we didnt fight it it would be twice a day. Each night alters are finding a way to get back and throw up. Bulimia is back. Thankfully we still have fight in us to stop those alters who think losing weight means throwing up, but its so tough at times.

Tomorrow Rachel meets mr wonka for the first time we are nervous and curious

We are now back to surviving on four hours sleep as some alters think retribution for sins comes in lack of sleep. We got to bed but they wake us its making us so tired. We have leas than four hours a night

Shocking but True

2010-03-04T21:28:00.004+11:00

On Wednesay we saw Rachel and we were discussing many subjects when from nowhere an alter who0 had been left on another level appeared. Now to understand this chain of events we need to go back to a time when we saw mon...........................

Mon was ever expedient at sorting out alters who didnt comply. Although at the time we called it what was supposed to happen in the real world i suppose you could call it culling. Mon was determined after sam was locked up that all alters who liked her be also locked up however that may be. Us rising to the no one will be like sam in our system ever again took on her challenge. And the result5 four alters were removed from the top level to the third level. They were aged between nine and ten. They refused to give in to mons demands and thus mon considered them a threat to the top level. Perhaps the bullshit at the time perceived that right but whatever way they went.

For the last two years those alters have remained on the third level. See http://sharingprivatemomentsthroughpoetry.blogspot.com/ on some of their poems about to published. When mon was removed from her throne As they call it lightening rescued all four alters from he third level. And under tight security placed them with him in the lighthouse. In that time he cared for their wounds and looked after them and nursed them back to health. On Wednesday one of them spoke to rachel. Rachel not knowing the full history of our system did what she does best and listened. To her credit she persevered albeit in confusion, but for it was significant, She did help.

I cant write anymore sorry.......

College and Therapy

2010-02-27T08:17:00.004+11:00

College is everything and so much more. We are finding ourselves thriving in the learning environment and amazed and how comfortably we fit in. We share a bench space with a fellow mother whose children know ours, we are now car pooling to get to school. Every minoring we are up at 5am have the kids dressed and out to the car by 6.50 am and at before school care at 7 am. We arrive at school close to 8am with enough time to change into our chefs clothes to get to theory class the prac starts at 9 am. We cook for four hours and we live breath it love it, i cant believe we would enjoy it this much. On Monday we face our first prac test, we have to present food to our lecturer for marking. We have a time scale and the food must be up there in that time scale. We are nervous but excited.

Therapy has taken a interesting turn. On Wednesday we saw Rachel and for the first time in virtually the whole time we had been seeing her bar a few moments we actually have seen the littles pay attention to therapy. Heck even Amelia was watching and that in itself is amazing. I was talking to Rachel saying that maybe out of everyone Amelia and Josie were the smartest because they seemed to be the few who made no attempts to get to know mon and in Josies case she didnt even like her.

I was recounting the time that Amelia was in therapy and Mon learnt that sudden movements for Amelia tripped her out. So mon told me she was going to try an experiment with Amelia and try and take her out of the comfort zone and get used to sudden movements. So mon started circling around chairs and when she would get close to Amelia she would stop and Amelia would start shaking. Amelia who only sits one way and one way only straight backed hands folded in lap and head and eyes directly ahead. So Amelia couldnt see where mon was she could just hear her, anyway after about fifteen minutes of this charade, mon stopped directly in front of Amelia we ddint read Amelias terror right (and yes that is what it ended up being) and we found ourselves flat out on the floor. Mon by her actions had actually terrorized Amelia to the point of fainting. I looked at Rachel's face when i had finished and all i saw was shock and a fleeting moment of anger. I said to Rachel it was that day I started to look at mon far more objectively and try top let the system know to look also. it took a year later before that could be done.

Then the second event occurred, for the last few weeks well the ones when we have seen rachel that is. Naomi and sticks have been seeing Rachel, we have a policy whats started must get finished, so they diligently go to therapy each week, and im starting to see that our approach to this sort of therapy is working. On Wednesday Naomi actually cried, well wept more than anything but still its important, then another alter came to say something so very very important to Rachel with Naomi hearing and i knew that the connectedness between the two alters was a healing taking place. That the work we had begun in therapy was now moving internally and a healing of another kind was taking place in there. Rachels approach of ask a question dont interrupt and wait seems to be having the desired effect and for that im grateful.

But what was more interesting was what we didnt expect. Christine whose aged six came and looked at Rachel and said im going to ground soon ( an Easter memory). Rachel who doesnt know what that means because christine has hardly talked ot her before. Then Christine said something that i knew but until someone else said it it dodnt really make such an impact. She said mon said she would help me not have these memories anymore so i guess i wasted my time talking to her she lied all big people lie. The added typical Christine way im not stoopid you know i see whats going on i know whats going on. Rachel was surprised and tried to talk to her with the little time we had left.

Afterward Rachel was excited to see and hear from the littles, i know she has worked gently and carefully to make sure that their trust is gained not by lies and crap that mon did but by just being herself as a therapist. For me i was amazed and when I asked Christine afterward why the shift from the littles in this direction she answered mon might have our notes and try to keep them but we still have a voice and you have used it to stop her hurting someone else now we can talk without being worried she is going to hurt us. I turned to ask more but i knew the look on he face told me i wasnt going to get more. But i reckon that is something that needs to be explored. Is it possible mon has tried to silence the littles im not sure.

Sa'de Josie and Deshanti

the news everyone has been waiting for is in

2010-02-21T19:32:00.004+11:00

Its official mon has been asked to stand down effective immediately pending the full investigation. In other words they investigated what we said and because we could co oberate everything they now are doing an investigation.

Sa'de

Choose carefully

2010-02-18T17:11:00.008+11:00

College is proving to be just the right ingredient for us. We are thriving on the learning and the routine. In fact with the nerves gone we know we are gonna fit right in.

We had a fly by counselling session with Rachel yesterday, we got out of class late and had to pick up kids so we only had less than forty five minutes but in that time we covered a heap of topics. One of them being this one.

Mon has decided for whatever reasons to not hand over our notes, now at first this irritated me/us but hen some interesting things have come out of it. One of them being from a little whose aged six. After we got the email she had sought legal advice and wouldnt be handing over the notes there has been very little time to do anything about that, but our thoughts will be elsewhere.

The little said "shes just doing what the cult did and take our voice put it elsewhere and try to never give it back". And as i listened to this alter i reflected on her words. An abuser always tries to take your voice and not like it when youve got it back. You spend countless hours spewing your soul out it all goes down on paper and when a therapist wont/refuses to give it back its like the voice you had starts to disappear again. its called abuse just in a different way. In this case the little is right Mon took her voice wrote it down and just like the cult are trying to not give it back.

Our job is to give her voice life but how we will choose to do that youll have to find elsewhere. I guess for me hearing this little is a stark reminder of the importance of finding a therapist with integrity and high ethical standards after all if they dont have one then they too could take your voice put it on paper and play games, in t he hope of keeping you silent.

Pretty sick hey.

2010-02-17T19:11:00.002+11:00

this is for our regular readers/commenters on our blog

2010-02-14T14:36:00.004+11:00

For those who are regular readers/commenter's on this blog.

if you havent received an email from us and you are a regular contributor on this blog can you please email me or leave me your email as i have something private to share with you and dont have every ones emails.

jip-etal

A reminder of why we still do need therapy

2010-02-12T11:42:00.004+11:00

As many will know from reading our blogs we have just started to return to the gym and swimming at teh pool. We go to gym six days a week and swim seven, we arent on a massive health kick but have needed to do this because being a chef is about tasting food cooking food and long hours standing. We decided to combat all those with a more disciplined approach to what we saw as our future and at the same time take care of our selves a bit more. Life has been so good we even started to question wether we needed any more therapy........ and then comes along the reminder of why we still have some work to do.

And with any major weight loss the noticing from people comes. At the same time we started this gym work we also changed our hair colour back to the way it was. So now we get oh wow i didnt recognise you and wow youre toning up so fast. To any other person these compliments would be flattering but alas not to a majority of the system who for four years battled bulimia and the last year of that anorexia.

At aged 24 we had gotten ourselves to the weight of 37 kgs when our normal weight for height ratio should have been 68 kgs - we were ill so very very ill. but that is what it is bulimia/anorexia is an illness, it consumes your every being, every moment of the day was what did we eat how much, then searching for a toilet anywhere to get that horrible filth of food out. A never ending cycle of terribly torturous abuse on our body. It took so many months of retraining and talking to alters to finally stop this terribly sickening suicide path. it is and always will be an illness that we have, we will always be like an addict.

So when we made a decision to go back to the gym it wasnt an easy one. Our weight had ballooned because we were fearful of going back to starving ourselves to death. But we also recognised that of we didnt do something we had a high rick of diabetes and heart disease. So although our regime seems harsh its actually very mild, the one thing we havent done is controlled the calorie intake, but even now we find ourselves eating less because as we lose weight we dont need to eat as much.

Then the other night i hear that quiet still voice deep inside, if we throw up the weight will go faster and then we will be prettier. And i had this overwhelming sense of needing to be sick, and i realised the alters who liked to feel hungry hadnt gone anywhere nor had they been healed. And i knew that no mater how life looks like on the surface and how busy you make yourself some things simply dont go away because youd like them to, nor do some alters. So i guess the journey will be getting those alters to talk about why they need to punish themselves by starvation. Yep therapy is something we still do need.

Sa'de and thalia

todays meeting

2010-02-08T22:41:00.004+11:00

Today we met with three people regarding our complaint against mon. The first thing one of the people indicated was that because she didnt see us at their practice on the books (although believe me she saw me there) it meant they werent implicated. A little smile upon this persons face. Leaning forward i went ohhh see how wrong you are, by the end of the session of one and half hours they looked noticeably green and let me tell you no smile was on their face anymore.

The evidence we presented including the people who came with us presented a case of overwhelming negligence with proof in all we said. Now we wait to see what conclusions these guys reach, but in my thinking they better reach one fast as she is still practising under them.

todays the day

2010-02-08T06:40:00.003+11:00

Todays the day we get to present our case before some people against mon, if you can think of us in the day please do. We have everything ready so this is the start.

Physical healing

2010-02-05T23:07:00.004+11:00

I have received an email from mon she let me know she got my email and will be seeking legal advice before handing over my notes. Cool with me as at least i know she still has them LOL. And besides any lawyer will tell her to take copies and hand them over.

So on another note i guess part of this journey has been alot about a mental healing, and co inciding with that has been our decision to not follow the form of religion that would keep us chained, but we haven't talked about he physical journey toward healing.

After we wrote the letter and sent it off about mon we found ourselves in a position of feeling a inner strength. Almost like we were finally standing up to the bullies who had been beating us down all our lives and we were saying no more. As we start to cleanse our mind from the crap that we have been brainwashed into believing we found ourselves feeling the need to also cleanse our body. Perhaps as our mind started to rejuvenate our body started the inward groans like an old machine starting up and i found that many alters wanted to match this period of growth with a physical change.

All our life people have dictated how we should look, be it too skinny too fat, too muscly, too contrary. Our mental health dictated that we saw our body as a useless item to be discarded at will. But as we do some deeper healing within our selves and our therapists we have come to realise that healing is renewing the body as well as the mind and soul. That taking ownership back over our body is a way to stop the victim way of thinking and remove all traces of the old lies that have compounded our thinking for too many years.

Our body even when it was skinny was and always has been muscly there is no way around it, over the years we have let ourselves go we have let flab sit dejectedly on our body almost as much a fat deposits sat eating away at our mind. We were so used to being called fat that after a while it became our second skin, after all survivors of ritual abuse are anything but pretty, and multiples well they are certainly a mess as well so therefor who cares. But deep down deep inside as we have started to repair both from wounds that never got healed and wounds that mon inflicted we have started to care.

So swallowing all pride we booked ourselves into a gym and coped through the testing weighing and came out with a wonderful gym instructor who was happy to let us lift weights, heck he was so rapt to have a woman come in and want to do that. So six days a week after school we attend a 45 minute heavy lifting, this includes three sets of everything with one weight alone 80kg, so thats three sets of 12 of all weights. And we also now do twenty laps of the pool every day. And what we are finding is that we feel lighter more alive, perhaps more aware of our capabilities and strengths and less focused on our weaknesses. Its like in those moments we can shine, we can be anyone but more importantly we are someone.

So i guess what im trying to say is please dont think that you can neglect your body whilst seeking healing, why not so them altogether after all a healthy mind does help create a healthy body. Heck if we can walk in to gym anyone can LOL

jip-etal

Requested therapy notes

2010-02-02T22:27:00.005+11:00

Tonight i received a phone call from one of the important people regarding my complaint, now i feel as though this complaint will never fall through the cracks, But because mon was mostly seeing us elsewhere it has been an issue to ask for my notes so tonight i sent this email off to her and it goes like this. This email will also be given to all those who also received my original letter.

Dear Ms *****,
I am writing to request my therapy notes that you wrote whilst i saw you from the years 2003/2004 - 2008. I will expect that within seven days you will retrieve my notes and will organise a safe delivery of them to me, preferably if by mail then registered post. I believe seven days will be sufficiant for you to do this. If it is not then i will be awaiting a response as to why you believe this is not.

i sure hope she still has them because its illegal to get rid of therapy notes until after five years of when you last saw the therapist and as we all know it hasnt been five years.. The notes are so Rachel and us can start going through what was written to start the process of disecting what went on that we have so many questions about, and maybe we wont find the answers but we sure gotta start somewhere.

I wish i could tell you more but Im sure this blogs being checked so i can only say what i do. But i can assure you this is all being taken VERY VERY seriously.

The dating game.

2010-01-31T08:46:00.004+11:00

Yesterday we went on our first date in the two years since we left our ex. So this is how it went.

Get to persons house knock on door door opens and someone else other than my date is standing there awkward three minutes of waiting finally date comes to door and shows me in. People everywhere and get introductions but too many people to work out whose who. Finally leave top go out to lunch, walk to beach and date points and says its just a short walk to the restaurant along this beach. An hour and half later we arrive at restaurant. Had a lovely lunch overlooking the beach conversation was great established lots of things in common. Four hours later we organise lift home.

Date says be back in a minute and im left looking around someone elses room wondering what i can do to amuse myself. Half and hour later date comes back with wine and two glasses, before disappearing again saying they had to spend time with their family. By now we are reading a book and wondering how we might make a quick exit.

Date comes back and things return to normal but by now datre informs us that date doesnt drink very often and is now drunk but we have a nice dinner then walk back to beach where we go boogie boarding. After ward date pulls up stiff and sore because of an old injury i help date to a seat where date once again tells me how many relationships date has had that have gone wrong. We say we arent old relationships but am a date and not them. Date then proceeds to tell us how stiff and sore date is and we go ohh so what you talked about being able to do this an that isnt quite true then is it. Date doesnt answer. Walk home with date get bag and come home.

Conclusion deck chair passion pop and a book are so much less complicated than people who say they want one thing but clearly cannot fulfill it. Crazy thing is date was actually a therapist lmao.

jip-etal

My grandparents

2010-01-28T08:49:00.004+11:00

I think we have had some time now to reflect upon our grandparents. As most of you know we were adopted at 10 months of age. Until the age of nineteen we knew we were adopted but had decided that searching for more family wasnt worth it. Sort of like take the road that family wasnt for us and just get on with things. At nineteen the laws in this state changed and our birth parents put in a application to find us and after a while they did just that.

They lived in another state so we flew there and for ten months or maybe a bit more it was a honeymoon after that it dissolved. We had by this stage been diagnosed as a multiple and all hell was breaking loose in our life, it wasnt a pretty sight. They happened to see all this and it didnt go down well. Eventually our birth mother found out we were a multiple and found out what sort of house we had grown up in guilt overtook her and she absolved all relationship with us, even going so far as to drive two days to tell us that she didnt want to know us anymore. At that stage the twins were just two months old.

So for the next ten years we kept going on in our life and them in theirs. But each year our grandmother sent us a card on our birthday and Christmas. Eventually we connected with our cousin who remains a great friend and confidant. And reconnect with our grandparents where we went to see them that fateful year that it all went so wrong. I was forced to stay with my birth parents which we hated Mon was calling us consistently and once again all our birth parents saw was that were were completely still insane. Perhaps this time they were actually right LOL.

So after that trip we came to heartrendingly sad decision we didnt want to get to know our parents anymore. And we left it at that. We told our cousin we didnt want to know them and suddenly things started to change. Our aunty has asked to connect with us and finally our grandparents agreed to meet us. What do we think we think our birth parents have controlled so much and the moment we said nope we dont want to play this game anymore people feel like they arent stepping on toes and we can start to get to know each other.

The day spent with our grandparents was normal it wasnt high drama it was a ferry trip to a beach and on the way our grandmother asked if we were ok and needed anything and went we are the best we have ever been in our life and are very contented. Afterward in a moment of sadness from her she looked at me and said i dont understand my daughter(my birth mother) and I went why. And she said choking back tears she doesnt even acknowledge you are alive and i smiled and said some people weren't meant to get to know each other she doesnt like me and i dont like her it is even and balanced. And as i gave her a hug i said but because of that we can get to know each other. She nodded.

A few days ago i received a phone call from my grandmother once again asking if i would like to meet them in march or sometime to pay a visit and i smiled and knew this time it was ok to do that, it seemed right. Now all we have to do is organise it LOL

Deshanti

A time of reflection

2010-01-24T18:55:00.005+11:00

its been a full on four days but its been awesome. We had a great hotel and great weather and im really glad we got to do what we did with our kids. Our grandmother and grandfather spent a great day with us and probably some answers for us came out of this in some unusual ways. but i think we need more time to clear our thoughts before we talk about what we learnt being with our grandparents. But there was some thinking time on the other hand whilst we were away.

just before we left we had two conversations one with rachel and one with Rising Rainbows about our letter to mon and having no time to think about answers at the time i think now i can have reflection time.

Rachel asked how we felt in sending the letter and although we replied at the time we felt like we had reclaimed the power back there was something more something we couldnt put our finger on until we were away. We recognise that we are getting better that when seeing mon we were quite ill and her therapy of us made us sicker. Writing the letter was about feeling better not feeling so downtrodden or beaten up. And i realised when saying that, that mon in her therapy of us made us quite sick. Mentally she took our paranoia and fears and played them by creating new ones. After we left mon our life seemed to spiral to a place of normality as far as it can when you are a multiple. After i sent the letter and received phone calls i realised my letter was as shocking as it was true. That mon was a therapist who had nearly come close to destroying our life and sending the letter off was a moment in time when we could bravely and proudly say we are getting well we are reclaiming the power back we are getting free.

Whilst i was away i received two phone calls one from someone who was making sure we knew this was being taken seriously and had spent time getting to know our story and was making sure no one forgot the letter and the other was from one of monicas supervisors. He told me when he spoke to me that she had a different story to what we said and we laughed and said oh im sure. But you know something amazing that didnt faze us because we know what we say is the truth and have countless people who have said they will stand before anyone and testify to what they saw when it came to her.

but then it begs a different question given by Rising Rainbows she suggested perhaps legal grounds need to be taken against mon so we can get some compensation back for what we went through. Now its a road we havent not thought of we know a lawyer would love this story so would any jury but what is the right thing to do. For now we have said we will leave it in the peoples hands we have left it in, but we also know any sign of a cover up or a protecting monica and leaving us high and dry would have to lead to more serious levels of involvement from us. For now we have given our word if this can be resolved so that we have assurances that never again will this renegade therapist be able to do what she did to us and they can tell me why she wont be able to then we will be satisfied. At this stage i know from the phone calls i have received that this is no wash over and i know something else this time around we are no victim this is one issue we wont let slide, We dont ever want another innocent person walking into monicas office and ending up like we did.

sa'de

Odds and sodds

2010-01-16T11:36:00.004+11:00

it seems that my complaint letter is being taken extremely seriously having now received two phone calls from two different people. I have made it clear that i want it dealt with appropiately and not swept under the carpet. I have also received assurances that the gravity of what we went through will not under any circumstances be ignored. At present mon is on holidays and i have received an official letter stating that immediately upon her return she will be shown my letter and given a chance to answer. Ill keep you posted.

In a few days time i will be heading interstate with all of the kids. I havent taken all of them with me interstate before and am excited about doing this. But in the process i have relatives living in and around the state we are travelling to. My birth parents live a few hours from where we are going to be. But over the years i havent had anything to do with them since the trip in january a few years back. I actually dont like them and they don't like me, its nothing personal its the way it is. I was adopted at two months and even though we are flash and blood that is where the bonds leave us. I decided a few years ago that having no family is sometimes far better than trying to make one out of nothing and so have ceased trying to form a relationship with my birth parents.

But on the other hand i have started to form a bond between me and my grandmother, a bond that my birth parents have been trying to step in between. So even though we talk on the phone every time we have tried to talk in person my birth parents have stepped in and we can never be alone. So this time i asked my cousin to try and talk to them on my behalf and see if they would meet me without my birth parent's. After much toing and froing my grandmother called the other night to say she would like to meet me and we have arranged for her to see her five great grandchildren for the first time in seven years. They are nearly eighty five and i know this will probably be the last time i may see them so we are looking forward to it. My grandfather will also be coming.

But another interesting twist has come out of this. Since ive let it be known at least to my cousin that i dont want to get to know my birth parents anymore people ahve started to step forward. My auntie who has over the years kept fairly quiet about meeting me and all that made a request that otehr day that if i was willing to fly up then she was asking to come over to where i would be staying and as she put it hang out with her niece (me) and get to know her. It seems that before she also didnt feel she was able to ask this as again my birth parents were always around. I actually really liked my auntie when i saw her last and i reckon we would have a pretty good time together so im thinking if i save from now till march then we might do that for our birthday.

As for the rest counselling with rachel is zooming ahead our rule of one alter at time is proving successful and as we get more comfortable with each other the flow of therapy is certainly becoming apparent. But the difference is that this is therapy that is working is healing is helping, what a vast difference that can bring. even though the pain at t he time mightnt be nice the after effect is minor compared to what we used to go through over and over and over again. I guess i get it now what healthy boundaries and safe working practices can do to help toward making us feel safe in therapy.Probably more astounding to us is the fact that we arent reliant upon our therapists for guidance we have never called them and never would, its like a new world has opened up for us and we after ya rs of reliance upon a counsellor are finding we are quite capable of coping with the many bumps life may give us along the way. We also have made some good friends who also support us in our journey and that helps greatly as well.

And you remember my friend who had made friends with someone who said they were D.I.D and i was telling her that i didnt think he was. Well she went to therapy with him the other day and the therapist said that he wasnt D.I.D, but had a few chemical issues hes got schizo affective disorder and bi polar but not D.I.D. So with a sigh i went yep right again. As for my stalker well she rang asking me out a few times and i said no and went all cold on her so she hasnt shown interest since so hopefully thats over for me.

There are only two more weeks of school holidays before school once again resumes and only four more weeks until we start our own study. This last week we have been without kids and have spent the time lazing by the beach reading books, watching shows we have taped but not got around to watching and playing that damn frustrating ds lite that we pinched off our son and he hasnt got it back since xmas day LOL.

So thats all for now folks.

But i wanted to be dead.

2010-01-13T17:21:00.004+11:00

Lately Naomi has been writing some amount of poems which you can find here http://sharingprivatemomentsthroughpoetry.blogspot.com/ but you need to use caution as they may be triggering for you. Today as i sat in therapy i found myself starting to talk about what it was like for me at home, aside from the cult aside from everything. And i found myself starting to cry for a moment long ago when i was fourteen/fifteen.

After years of being the other one i knew that there was no much else you could do to me to destroy my hope my life my spirit. They had taken it all from me, i had long ago lost hope of ever finding a way to get free and knew that death was the only hope for a future. One day that just came to me by a drowning that my mother did to me with help. I was held under the water far too long and ended up dead on the grass. As i said to Rachel today i was so pretty lying there dead prettily dead. My face showed serenity albeit going a strange colour, i looked at myself with pride for the first time ever i got to see myself. You see being the other one i wasnt allowed mirrors and could only catch myself a glance in the reflections of cars or other things. I didnt sneak glances elsewhere as i knew i was wasnt deserving of that.

So seeing myself lying out there as i stood beside myself looking down i felt elated amazed that this time i didnt do it i was dead cause they did it. I listened as the money started to get bartered for the chance to have sex with the dead girl, and i heard dead girl and instead of being shattered i was elated over joyed amazed happy hopeful. But circumstance didnt allow me to be dead too long, unfortunately due to circumstances beyond my control the dead girl woke up. And as i looked hazily at all those people and as a boot was struck in my side and i was told i was a waste of space cause i had lost them so much money i stared at the night sky and knew never again would i forgive a life that made the dead girl come back to life.

Suddenly today as i started to try and explain all this tears started to flow but i knew i had to stop them i cant be crying but i wanted to collapse to fall deep into the flow and cry and cry a mourning of loss like never before. I knew in my soul i had to acknowledge that all my life being the dead girl is all i knew. To my parents i was the other one a no one a waste of space to the cult i was a vessel a body a moment in time to the alters i was often there (like Naomi and abba) before anyone else.

Over the years ive often seen my face in the mirror but often who i see is the dead girl laying in the grass staring at the sky her eyes blank her face serene and her prettiness inescapable.

Deshanti

what were we thinking??????????

2010-01-12T10:50:00.004+11:00

Yesterday i received a phone call from one of the people i Had sent a complaint off to regarding mon. His words were he was terribly sorry for what we endured and that he was informing us on how he was going to proceed.

Today we have gone through our blogs and collected everything mon and rosie wrote on our blogs as we were reading and skimming our only question was how can someone take so many years from your life and it takes you so damn long to wake up. Just pretty sad, as i look at mons craziness i see our own i for the first time feel quite angry. I know we are doing the right thing.

we've done it

2010-01-09T18:35:00.004+11:00

Yesterday five complaint letters against mon were sent out to five very important people - one of our goals has been accomplished so far this year. Two of those people have to sign for the papers before receiving them, once they have i will publish what was written. This was a huge step for the system and not easy to do.

lightening

Judgement

2010-01-07T07:30:00.003+11:00

We returned to therapy yesterday after a break of a month. We hadnt even realised how fast the break had gone, we spent the hour or so recapping a month into a time slot. Toward the end we found ourselves saying how we wanted to go back to isolation because once again we were feeling overwhelmed by so many people in our lives, but then the words i never expected came out of my mouth. The reason most alters want to stay away from people is so that they cant be judged.

I was surprised with this thought as it had never occurred to me before. Even after leaving mon even after leaving the cult leaving the church still yet still they were afraid of judgement. Now even though this thought should have been normal and certainly Rachel said that it was understandable somehow i guess i thought that these feelings would have passed by now. but then again why should they have.

For as many years as we can remember the cult ruled us with an iron fist, our movements, actions, words, attitude everything was judged watched and analysed. Stuffing up meant all sorts of punishments some of them causing the splits in our system. The fear of retribution through judgement has bene a lesson taught so strongly by the cult. Then we moved to Christianity whose battle ground lies in judgement of a different kind, man made judgement before the eyes of god. In other words someone telling you god was judging you even if it wasnt necessarily true. The fear of sinning over rode basic common sense, even our pastor told us we were not grace filled and needed to change. Judgement upon us had taken place even if he considered it in our best interest. Then we had a judgement from a therapist who continual put downs and innuendos that if we didnt behave she would go or even worse the cult would swallow us up again, only forced more judgement upon a system used to being judged.

And perhaps that has paritally flowed through into recent therapy, keeping check on what is said lest you get judged. As i sat there yesterday talking to rachel about some of the recent things going on in our life, i commented to her that the system was fearful to sometimes tell anyone things in case judgement meant yet another crashing blow. that many times in the night of they had interacted to people in the day they woke up and went over an over what was said and how it was said until they were satisfied that no judgement could be released then and only then would we drift back to sleep. yet the days that we went without talking to anyone our sleep was not interrupted by those alters.

Its no wonder alters want the house to be quiet and no people in our life it lessens any impact of judgement, but that isnt a good way to live life. As i told rachel something really personally important yesterday and as i waited her response was surprising, perhaps even helpful. She proclaimed how sad it was that in therapy previously we have had to stay stum about certain subjects for fear of being judged, that in our sessions we didnt need to fear that anymore and that there was no judgement coming from her. Now we have to find a way to gently let the system know that the bureaucracy that they have lived under was not a healthy one and avoiding people for fear of judgement isnt healthy either.

Sa'de

Time to take stock and reasses

2010-01-04T08:38:00.004+11:00

Im not sure why but this last few days we are feeling tired and little overwhelmed. Last year was spent i guess pretty much running from one thing to another in a bid to make up all the time wed spent wasting time. It was almost like we became alive far too quickly and like a firecracker we had to let everything go all at once. We achieved our four goals within august and then some more our energy seemed boundless.

As we stepped back from mainstream Christianity we found ourselves so less bounded by guilt of this is a sin and more open to learning new things and seeing new places. In the same way Mons barrage of you are going back to the cult if you do this was also going and we found ourselves amazed by a world we had never seen before. But also within this amazement stood frustration, as we walked into our room each day we saw a bevvy of books we so wanted to read and yet seemed to have no time for, we found ourselves less n our beloved beach replacing it with luncheons. Our blog was often neglected yet writing was our hobby, our friends blogs often left unread, a constant frustration.

On new years eve as w ran from club to club and partied hard into the night i realised our system had had enough. We have enjoyed what life offered us last year but as we take on a chefs course and the responsibilities of that we need to soften down our partying time for less over enthusiastic ventures. But it is more than that it was only as we slowed a but last year that we heard and listened to what our system wanted to say, and as we lived a fast life the only thing we were once again avoiding was our past.

Certainly we dont wish to go back to the self centerdness that we had with mon but we also recognise the need to continue a journey of healing. As we find ourselves searching for a new spiritual meaning we find ourselves less trapped by what we should think and think more of what we can think and all that takes time.

So i believe the best road forward for at least a while anyway is to go back to the beach to the books to the movies we haven't watched and have the lunches with friends but more sporadically and start to do the deeper inner healing.

jip-etal

2009 a year in reflection

2010-01-01T16:32:00.006+11:00

January

It was a busy month with people coming and going from our place as the summer months really hit. We found oursevles trying to cope with this barrage as people came one after the other to stay at jips house by the sea. By the time the end of january came around we were too exhausted to even start thinking about sending the kids back to school. it was something we said we would never do again.

Febuary

As we sat in the water on the hottest day ever recorded in victorias history, history was changing elsewhere. A huge firestorm engulfed towns and homes sending all of victoria in a state of mourning as the new slowly broke that 174 people had lost their lives, schools towns communities rallied to raise millions of dollars. it also changed the face of fire warning in victoria. Now instead of stay or go it simply says leave and dont stay with wanrings now listed as catastrophic conditions and all who own a mobile phone is now wanred of the threats if they reach catastrophic, hopefully the carnage will never occurr again.

March

As our confidence started to grow we decided thta our birthday whcih had previosuly been a boen of contention were now going to be celebrated with valour. And so on our 38th birthday we booked a break with our kids and spent time having fun with them. it has set the preceedence for years to come. And reminded ourselves that life is too short to not recognise the fact that we are on this planet.

April

As the colder weather started to come in we also foresaw a change elsewhere. We started to notice that Jane (our therapist at the time) was starting to say things that were warning bells that she wasnt coping in counselling us anywmore. We also realised that whatever we said if it was about the church because she was our pastors supervisor it was going straight back to them.

May

The news we suspected was coming. Jane had decided to let us know she wouldnt be seeing us anymore. Although this news was hard we took it quite well. Noel then came forward to us in private saying he had a new therapist for us and if we were interested he would make enquiries. Later on this last year we also learnt that Janes own supervisors were in fact friends with mon no wonder she wanted us to just leave it.

This was also the month that we went to the church pastors with a few concerns and found ourselves startign to relaise that our pastors were not people we were actually beginning to like. This was laso the month that people were starting to leave the church including one of wondeful bible study guiders.

June

As jane stepped back Mr wonka stepped forward. We found out that jane hadnt been working side by side with mr wonka but had indeed had no communication with him but one. As he started to show interest in what was going on for us alters started to communicate witgh him. I can certainbly say now that it has been a hugely healing step for us and our understanding that therapy can work has been founded by this therapy with mr wonka.

June also gave us the biggest heartache we had had in years. We were called into a meeting where we were told that our behaviour was no longher acceptabel and we were given a list of rules to follow. But it was laso the month tta we found out that a meeting had taken palce about me and in that meeting against my permission the female pastor had disclosed we were a multiple. A betrayel we find unforgiveable. Espcially when the discloser was the same pastor whose a counsellor herself at church.

July

This was the start of seeing rachel. We found her quiet and reflective, and stil find her so. Noel came to the first session and we took it from there. She has had little experience with multiples but somehow that made us feel a heap better.

This was also the month that we received news that our friend keepers who we had now known for nearly five years had left our life no explanation as to why something we stil ldont know.

August

This was also the time when we undertook a heap of vonteer work and started to gain confidence in huge ways. We found that we arent a half brain but have a passion for food and a talent that goes with it.

It was also the time that we started to cook for foodbanks at our church in the last final attempt to find out if it was just us or wethehr what we were seeing at chruch was real or not.

Septemeber

hearlded a massive celebration it was eighteen months since we had fled our home and left our husband to start a wonderful new life but........ it was also the time that we had a year under our belt after leaving mon.

It was also the time that afer eighteen months we bid goodbye to the fruit shop and decided to concentrate on gaining entry into college as a trainne chef.

This month also started the change between getting to know rachel to actually starting to do healing work.

As this happened with rachel so amelia was making huge steps wioth mr wonka

October

We found we had pretty much decided to elave church when our tiem at foodbank was complete. We also foudn that we really didnt like what we saw going on and that mainstream chrsitianity was actually not a place we wished to visit or get invovled in.

Meanshile we also found ourselves startign find alters who wanted to start working at therapyu and working hard. The first on the lsit was what the fther had doen for us a poretty much unheard of notion with mon as those alters stayed away from her.

we also enrolled at college with one course hospitality and the other social work.

Nowember

We wook our sons to sydney for the first time and then went back with a friend a few weks later. This was the last of our wish list for 2009. With the previous three already having been acomplished.

We found out we hadnt got into social work but.......we had achieved a place at college in hospitality whcih was our first choice anyway.

Decmeber

I paid for and achieved my goal i became a college student studying cooking WOOOHOOO

I said goodbye to foodbank and the church it was a unflamboyant affair.

we hosted a christams day lunch for thrty five people

last night we spent the night in the city going from one club ot the next having a ball.

and finally we set four new goals for 2010 and made a decision on what direction we wished to take as far as social and family relationships.

trouble in paradise

2009-12-30T08:10:00.003+11:00

A few months ago i made friends well acquaintances with someone from school. Missy moo had made friends with her daughter and we got talking and clicked. But her life has been filled with drama, at the point i was meeting her she had met a guy on some chat line and had moved here from another state to be with him, only to find him to be not as she thought and totally incompatible. She was still deciding whether she was staying here or not when i met her.

Within five minutes i had learnt all about her life but had shared nothing of mine. Something was always holding me back. After a month she decided to stay but find her own house, one night after she had some drinks she left me with the kids as she went back to talk to her ex and as i was sitting there i felt that what she was trying to show me wasnt really what was underneath.

Slowly but surely after she moved to her own house she immediately found a new boyfriend and the pattern continued, but when she wasnt with him she was visiting me constantly. I couldnt go the beach with my kids to swim without her coming to see me. I was starting to feel claustrophobic and in the span of only two months she had latched herself to me as her new best friend but i am not so reciprocal. One night she called me to once again say how bad her life was and how she was seeing behaviour in he 6 year old son to do with aggression. So i said to her the reason she is seeing that is because her kids have seen and know far too much because of he lifestyle and maybe it might be a time to sort herself out and stop screwing with them. Needless to say she started screaming at me down the phone before hanging up on me. I wiped my brow and went phew. But shes like a bulldog she dont give up.

The next day she was once again visiting me. Then two weeks later she turned to me and quietly said my new boyfriend is jealous of you you know that dont you. I twisted my head and said incredulously why? She said it was because he felt i was a threat to him and was going to take her away from him. I looked at her and said and why would he think that W, and she said because i told him you were gay, i went wow why would you do that. She didnt say another word and i went oh time to move from you and fast. But as quick as anything i said W i dont like you like that i want to make it very very clear that i dont seek a relationship with you now or in the future, i dont sleep with friends in fact i dont sleep with anyone so you wont be on my list. I was pretty mad by this stage. I knew she was playing a game and I was one of her pawns

I started to move back from her but then the phone calls started escalating five times a day and i have got to the point where i wont answer the phone if its her. Yesterday i get a call from her five minutes after she got back from holidays wanting to meet at the beach i replied was busy but she didnt sound happy. Then later on she called and the kids answered the phone she wanted to say she just wanted to chat as usual she gives tit bits about what was going on and this time i went listen i dont have time for this either you tell me what you want to or im going. So she tells me a story of being bashed by him because he got jealous of me and how upset she was, and by this stage my body is starting to go cold. This woman is putting me as a pawn in her chess game. This guy is a sheriff for the police department and she is telling him god knows what about me and im sure most of it isnt true.

Then finally last night i got a call from her saying that he had called her and wanted to know if shed spoken to me to which she said yes, even after i told her to say no to everything and how mad he was and how he was insistent i was over there, then she hangs up the phone and im left with my heart racing. Imagining all sorts of crazy things like him coming to hit me in the middle of the night because some crazy woman has got it into her head that im in a relationship with her even if in fantasy. It took me ages to calm down and to be honest i had to actually call a friend something we rarely do anymore.

Now ive got his situation to deal with and hope that i dont get my head kicked in in the process, whilst convincing the system we still are safe even if we dont quite feel like it right now.

grrrrrrr
sa'de and flame

If mainstream christianity isnt the way then what is ......part two..........

2009-12-29T08:26:00.007+11:00

Ok now i mightn't have made it clear. Christianity i am not opposed to mainstream fundamental Christianity although right for many isnt what is right for us. Our pastor truly believes that he is correct and true in his thinking and my pattern of inking is that he is for who he is but it isnt for us. So it left us at a quandry. We have questions that are deeply spiritual because we are and will continue to be spiritual people, but the questions arent mainstream or even theologically correct but they are still mine.

We have written many times before that the cult taught us to behave even if we didnt believe. To be good to be still to think only beyond one measure so that a job could be done, but even in the times of darkness we still had thoughts The cult many many times tried to punish this out of us but they never could for whatever reason we were given a brain the remained operable even after torture of the most extreme. Our constant question but why wasnt an irritant but merely a conjecture as to why people choose certain paths in their lives both good and not so good. I think since the start of our moments of reading we have had a fascination with subjects that mainstream society doesnt care about.

And so the othr day a good friend asked a very pertinent question - is there a chance jip that god created us from mere randomness and not a clear thinking as the bible says. And so our mind started ticking - Christianity for years has tried to dispel Darwins theory of evolution but i have always had the bleeif that however it was created god created it. Yet many people fear that if god didnt have a clear course of thinking regarding human beings then somehow that must be bad. But what if god did have a clear thinking that humans might evolve from apes and that through that process g=human form balanced out to who we are today. You see i dont know if i believe that but it also means that because im not sure perhaps Darwinism is a point that i wish to think in the future.

Then along with my decision along came MR Wonka. Mr Wonka did us the greatest service of all he gave us one book a book that we find ourselves devouring with amazing speed. Its a book called Sophies world the story of a fourteen year old girl whose mind is curious and who starts receiving letters from a philosopher. Now what i find fascinating about this story is that neither Satanism nor Christianity have allowed my mind to explore philosophy - yet so many answers may lie in it. The interesting thing about philosophy as opposed to Satanism or Christianity is that there are no answers, the greatest gift you can give is the gift of questions, but understand you know nothing.

I think perhaps as i read sophies world i realise that what people fear the most is someone asking questions that they cannot answer. Let me give you an example the otter day i was at a boring lunch at a restaurant and i turned to someone who happened to be a Christians and i started asking questions about her partner the more i asked the more annoyed she got until she told me i was asking too many personal questions when in fact the last question i had asked was how she met him. A simple question to most but perhaps not if you are not so sureabout where a question is leading. In this case my response was a simple as the question i responded the only way you would consider that personal would be if you were embarrassed about it. But isnt that what my point is - under satanism and Christianity mainstream my questions aren tolerated because it takes you out of a square and puts you into a diagonal prism.

What i have discovered is that if i knew philopsophy was this much fun i would have studied it years ago. I like the thinking that encourages questions and find now as i ask the questions i have become an attentive listener. But that still doest answer how i fit philosophy and Sophie's world and god and all that into one element, if there is such a thing. Where does Jesus fit in? God? Bible?

next blog ill try and explain.

to be continued.................

Its not a journey we wish to take anymore......part one..........

2009-12-27T07:58:00.008+11:00

About four weeks ago something dramatically changed within us. its taken this long for us to catch our breath enough to try and write about what that is. For the lat year we have been on a journey of not just healing but a personal and spiritual journey. So many things werent adding up for us as far as Christianity and all that surrounded it. Then we decided to meet with the pastor to ask some questions in one last hope that we might find answers via him.

I Sat in his office as he slowly but surely barraged me, along the lines of we are doing our best to accept you and extend grace to you but you are making it difficult its Ike you are her to only condemn. And as tears poured down my face i realised that because i am unable to mould into the Christian paradox my search has pretty much ended. I walked out of his office knowing that it was pretty much the last time i was prepared to hear from another human being how inept i/we were. And as sadness drove our feelings a sign of relief was also pending.

Suddenly just like when we were leaving mon a world of possibilities opened up it was like alters were opening like flowers through floodgates of tears. Suddenly those questions we were shoving to the side because of being told that it was wrong to think them started to flow. Questions like how do mainstream churches differentiate between one sin being worse than that other. For example why is in christian churches all gay people are going to hell when according to the bible one sin is the same as the other. From the beginning of time if you believe the Adam and eve story, god created woman as an afterthought who then caused Adam to sin via satan. Then according to legend a tower of babel was made by man that then caused separation of all people into tribes and languages thus giving a basis for mainstream bigotry and hatred. So many questions that had always stuffed just beneath the surface was raging up once again.

And finally the biggest hardest question of all. if god is the creator of all then he created Satan which has been causing us all sorts of problems. You see if that's the case then the first person who thought up evil must have been god himself because god created all beings and things, if before god created there was nothing then god must have thought long before Lucifer was created of evil being a choice. Therefor my problem lies that the god who i thought i followed originally had caused the element of pain to start with. And that Lucifer was only doing as Judas did and followed instincts of self gratification the same feelings god must have created in the first place.

And so with all these questions in mind i/ we decided that mainstream Christianity didnt come with flowers it came with chains, chains that moulded you the same as satanism had done all those years before. So knowing that our journey away from modern day church was now finished where an earth were we to go next, and then we discovered two thoughts that have started us on the start of such an amazingly new journey.

to be continued .................

jip-etal

xmas at our house

2009-12-25T20:45:00.004+11:00

At 6 am thge kids woke up and started whispering and i hid for half an hour more but finally they opened their pressies. Screams and sighs of delight five ds lites for five kids and a wii as well. They were excited.

By 12 am so many had arrived, by 2 all had eaten, by 3 most were drunk. by 7 pm all had left and i looked around and went oh crap. but id sure do it all again LOL

A blog about firsts and reflections

2009-12-21T10:03:00.004+11:00

Its this time of year that we start thinking about all the people that have come and gone in our life. This is the second year that we have spent xmas down here but long before we moved here we had a network of friends and this is a part blog about those people.

As a blogger reading fellow blogger posts you become attached almost connected but sometimes these people leave without any reason. Often you are left wondering if they are ok or they are alive or many things like that. over the years we have seen so many people come and go from our blog but some of them have touched us more deeply than others. Many years ago we connected to a group of people in states and sat many hours in front of the computer with them. Then one day it was gone, can i remember why it was gone no i cant but these people decided that they wanted to remain friends and i was left in the outer. I often think about all of them i see them on their blogs but there is no communication between us. Its this time of the year that i think most about them. Perhaps always wondering if or what we did wrong but the answer will probably never be told. To those people who sat with us each day in the chat room i also wish you a merry Christmas and hope whatever you are doing in life enriches you all.

Then there is the people who used to come to the blog and dont anymore, the people who visit others blogs and comment but never comment on ours. It makes you wonder if youve pissed them off in some way and you just dont know. I know i have commented on someones blog for a year and yet they never ever visit or comment on ours anymore, they are seen at other mutual bloggers blogs but will not talk anymore on ours. And i guess in this the time of reflection there will always be a question why. But again sometimes there isnt a answer. For those people i wish you all a merry xmas.

But this last year has also been a year of firsts for us and this xmas is no exception. On xmas day we will have nearly 35 people over at our house for lunch. We are hosting the second year of nomadic Christmas. All of these people have nowhere else to go and for some of them this is the first xmas they have had in years. Some of the people are coming have family overseas or through abuse situations will not spend it with their family. All of these people will bring a platter and we all will join each other in the same way.

Also this year will be the first time we havent called keepers on xmas day. For the last five years each xmas day we place a call to keepers she would talk to the kids and we would wish each other a merry xmas. I have no idea where she is or what shes doing but i hope whatever it is she is happy. I dont understand why she did what she did but it doesnt take way five years of history. So keepers if you read this merry xmas to you.

Also this is the first year that mitch wont be joining us in some form over xmas. She is busy with overseas family coming and will be unable to join us here for a few days. Although we talk a few times a year our friendship isnt as close but i will miss her this year.

This is also the first year that i have decided that my kids and i need an interstate trip and have booked a secret holiday for all of us in January. this will be the first time i have taken them interstate as a family and am very much looking forward to doing this.

Although this is the second year that we have stopped connecting with mon, this is the first year i feel healed enough to formally place a complaint. This letter has been written and will be sent in the new year. After it has been received we will show what we have written on here.

This is also the first year that we know what career path we want to choose and know fully where our future lies.

This is also the first year that we have both therapists nowhere in sight but am not one iota bothered by them not being around.

This is also the first year that we will not be attending church in or around xmas day. Where some changes have taken place within us that has become a journey far beyond what we imagined, and although we believe in the basic concept of Jesus birth historically It was never on the 25th December, but thats a whole nothr blog LOL.

This will also be a last - this will be the last time i have holidays with my children at xmas. As next year i will probably be working.

Jip-etal

Maybe we still are too sensitive.

2009-12-20T21:51:00.004+11:00

On Christmas day i have a lot of people descending on m house. i will explain in a closer xmas blog. but one of those people is the recent blog i wrote here http://lifespacings.blogspot.com/2009/10/not-prepared-to-pay-price.html. In this blog i talked about my friend making friends with a multiple, and how we thought some of this was a load of crock.

Well today through circumstances i spoke to this person who according to my friend is a multiple. Now theres a few things first off he doesnt know im a multiple, secondly he doesnt know i know that much about him (via google). But te conversation needed to take place because hes coming to may place xmas day as he along with many othrs have nowhere to go. The conversation was very much about him, within probably ten minutes he had disclosed that he was a multiple with certain alters having being diagnosed with schizophrenic tendencies and another bi polar.

Now can i tell you that i believe certain alters can have personal psychiatric disorders. In fact thanks to a multiple who i was once friends with, they had an alter who was medicated for a disorder whilst the rest of the system was not medicated, in other words he took the medication whilst the rest of the system did not.

But for me talking to this person was like talking to someone who thoguth this was all a joke and i started to feel sensitive. It was like he was covering all bases in case but for me it was far more personal. For years we have covered our MPD/D.I.D. we would rather people know us without knowing the diagnosis and like us just the same. When we hear this person saying how he told everyone he was D.I.D we started to get upset. But why the fuck would we. Does tn everyone have a choice who they tell and who they dont, for me they do but this was more than that it was almost like it was a flaunting a look im real no one else is, almost like it was a funny and there aint nothing funny about being a multiple.

It aint cute or kisch or cool being a multiple its fucking hard work. it aint about tellin people its about keepin it quiet, its about not havin ta xplain but jus keepin it in, it not bout bein noticed but bout bein not noticed, it aint bout makin it a joke cause there aint no laughin mata bout bein a multiple. I can tell ya wen ya arms are achin ounding throbbin an ya bein stretched an strectched till ya shoulders snap outa place an they stop an fix em so they can do it again an wen ya cant take no more an gota get someone else ta take ya place an wen ya a bloke in a sheilas body cause ya aint got no choice, multiplicity aint no fucking joke.

Maybe i just am sensitive but i felt talking to this person tonight that multiplicity was some sort a joke to him and you know what if there was some other life i could have lived i wished it wasnt in multiplicity. its hard enough trying to get healed without some wowser coming along proud to the hilt that they got MPD in their resume cause i can tell you the pain we suffered to live this life a hiding is woeful.

But yeh maybe im bein far too sensitive.

2009-12-20T15:55:00.001+11:00

Rachel / therapist what i see

2009-12-18T14:42:00.005+11:00

Mr Wonka asked me the other day if i had met Rachel yet and i said i never wanted to. That i didnt ever want to see another female therapist no matter how wonderful they appeared to be. That i felt that anytime i saw a new therapist i was a curse each time they either hated me or couldn't stand counselling me. So i dont want to go down that road again. But Mr wonka asked me if i would write a blog about what i observe when Rachel does see us.

When they go see Rachel the first thing is always asks whilst looking at you directly is how are you? I know she means it because i can see the concentration and way she listens for the answer. Often the others get on the floor and Rachel also sits on the floor she has this thing that she always wants to meet her clients at eye level so if thats what makes us comfortable then that's what she does. She said the other day she has stopped wearing skirts on a Thursday knowing we often sit on the floor.

Rachel often doesnt say anything, she quietly sits and listens. She sometimes asks the alters name sometimes doesnt. She knows when to be silent allowing them time to talk time to think time to just sit. Her words are often it wasnt your fault over and over again it wasnt your fault. Occasionally i see tears well in her eyes and see the raw humanness that i see also in mr wonka. The look of pain that words have no place for, Mr wonka often gives the same expression. Rachel always has pencils and paper out in case littles want to draw. She keeps her distance and never comes too close yet her eyes show she cares.

Sometimes i sit and watch her interact and i feel a slight tinge of wistfulness a longing that i too could join in this therapy but i also know the safest place for me is with mr wonka. I dont know why mr wonka wanted to me to write this but thats what i observe.

Amelia

AN ACHIEVEMENT IN SO MANY WAYS

2009-12-14T17:08:00.003+11:00

it seems such a long time ago since we were too depressed to even know what day it was. Where life was so despondent we couldnt even lift our head up high. Where we were so consumed by what the cult had done to us that they still had us in chains. For the lat eighteen months we have worked hard at our self esteem and learnt to live with ourselves without too many people.

Today we reached a massive milestone a PASSION POP moment, today we officially enrolled and paid our fees at college. We are now well from the 15th feb a full time student in hospitality studying cooking and all its wonderment. Cheers to you all because all of you over the years have helped us see more in ourselves than we thought possible.

Finality is always hard

2009-12-08T10:11:00.004+11:00

Again if anyone is curious enough to press this i think youll find it really interesting Cached.

We havent been blogging much because we are working through a very personal issue, so i thought id explain what it was.

For the last two years i have been separated from my/our husband. After forcing the sale of our old house from hell he moved closer to us where he could be near the kids. His parents offered him the holiday house so this is where he is living. Over the last year we have been trying to sort things out, going on family excursions and holidays, i guess for us we are no quitters failing at our marriage makes us feel failures. high achievers as we are we found ourselves guilty for walking out. So we started to try and work at our marriage, but it seemed the harder we tried the more he tried to break our heart.

Two weeks ago without talking to anybody we finally reached the passe in life that there is no return in. Our ex stepped over a emotional line that cant be crossed back over. He scared our children and has only recently apologised. For nearly two years we have held strong tried to keep what he does inside ourselves, been the good mother that doesn't slam the kids father no matter what shit he puts in. And one night two weeks ago the pressure of being silent the constant trying to find a way to sort this out and it being so one sided took its toll, for the first time in 2 years we cried ourselves to sleep.

The grief that we cant trust him, we cant be with him because shes too toxic, the realisation that he makes us anxious and depressed, but even more sadder the understanding that this was all a game to him where we were really trying to sort things out he was simply playing a game. The consequences for us was the hard fact that the marriage was over there was no turning back there couldnt be, and the outpouring of a silent grief of the years he has done this to us took its toll.

And finally last night came we knew it would. We six months ago had booked a family holiday, id put the money down and he was going halves, so he drops in last last night to drop the kids clothes off and calmly looks at me and says so when d o you want payment for the holiday. I looked at him stunned, at what point does he think after doing what he did to my kids i would let him come away with me. So as quietly as i could i said this......................

T there will be no more holidays outings or family arrangements, i have given all of my heart that i can to you and each time you break it in two. I have offered counselling and have organised trips to which you always end up making sure its wrecked. You have exhausted my love for you until there is nothing left, you have tortured my soul until im immune to your games i didnt see you were playing with them, and lastly you scared and abused four of our five children by your actions. T there is a line no one has ever crossed but you have and im afraid its a line that leaves you cold in my heart and my life. We are finished, over, done and complete.

He said nothing but ok, which he always does when hes in shock in a few days time he will try to punish me with something, but can i tell you there is nothing left he can do to me hes done it all before. The only saving grace is that a divorce cant be done until late jan because of Christmas but it has to be done, because it seems whilst we remain married on paper he still seems to think im his wife and i need to stop that.

So for those wondering this is what has been going on for me, its been a silent time few friends know of he pain or sadness but finality always brings grief and that is partly what we are experiencing.

Deshanti